


A Funny Thing Happened at the Sato House

by minusxero



Series: The Dorkaverse: Wherein Everyone is a Dork [1]
Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: Still Have Powers, Comedy, Doesn't exactly work, Dorkaverse, Everyone is a dork, F/F, F/M, Gen, Or at least trying to be funny, asami is a dork, korra is a dork, mako is lonely, so so lonely
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-03-17 15:38:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3534866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minusxero/pseuds/minusxero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bolin and Opal are late to Korra and Asami's housewarming party. They get there just in time for madness. Also known as the most unrealistically eventful party to ever party in the history of parties. Fights! Drinking! Shaming! Drinking! Games! Drinking?  Drinking.</p><p>Okay, so basically a normal party.</p><p>Modern AU, everyone still has their bending abilities. They also have Facebook. So that's a thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Late!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're late. They're late. For a very important date.

“Bo, just decide on an outfit already!”

With a brief upward glance, Bolin, clad in a white tanktop and boxers with a fire ferret pattern throughout, gave a long, overdrawn sigh.

“You can’t rush perfection, Opal!” he shouted out the door. Now, the gray jacket with the green undershirt or the brown leather jacket he got from cosplaying the Rocketeer last year?

The sound of the bedroom door opening snapped Bolin out of his thought process. Turning his head, he found himself gaping. His girlfriend had gone simple and clean for tonight. She wore a forest green (at least, he assumed that was forest green. It was probably some other obscure girl-color name) summer dress accented with a similarly green floral pin on the right side of her hair. Rather than wear heels, Opal had decided on some flip-flops for comfort, though Bolin knew she would be taking them off immediately on arrival (or even during the car ride).

“Um… wow. You look great,” he said blankly, standing up from the foot of the bed. Suddenly his fashion woes were gone from his mind.

Opal giggled. “Proof that perfection can be rushed, dear.” She took a few strides and her soft lips were on his for a brief second. Before he could push forward into the contact, Opal had pulled away, hands clasped behind her back. She leaned over his shoulder to look at the bed. “You should go with the leather jacket.”

“It’s not that easy though!” Bolin nearly whined. “See, now that I know you’re going green, I have all these…” he gestured wildly “issues!”

Opal sat herself on the edge of the bed, bending wisps of air into complicated spiral patterns. “Issues? This should be good.” She ceased her bending and looked up at her boyfriend, her feet kicking back and forth like a kid, not quite reaching the floor. “Enlighten me, oh Blue Steeled one.”

“Well,” started the Earthbender, “Going with the leather means we’ve got this nice earthy feel-thing going on. But like, if I go with the gray and green, we’ll both be wearing green and that’d be so,” Bolin made a half-squeal that spoke more than actual words could convey. Opal sighed.

She started counting off on her fingers. “First, your gray slacks still have that hole in it from playing with Naga yesterday. Second, that leather jacket works well with the army green pants we got at the outlet store last week. Third, you can wear the green undershirt under the leather jacket as well. And fourth,” and Opal made a grand gesture in revealing finger number four, “you should always wear what your girlfriend says you should wear.”

Bolin stroked his chin thoughtfully. “You make a good argument,” he replied thoughtfully. “I’ll take the leather.”

Opal stood up and gave her boyfriend a kiss on the cheek. “You have chosen wisely,” she pleasantly chimed, walking out. “Now hurry up or we’ll be late!”

Outside the bedroom, Opal heard a dinging notification from her laptop. She sat down at the kitchen table and unlocked the screen, pulling up the Facebook group chat labeled “Krew Kuts Vol 4: The Best of the Eaties and Nighties”.

* * *

 

Korra: Bopal Nuckfong, where are you guys? The party started half an hour ago and it’s only us, the Tenzin + spawn and Mako.

Korra: And Mako doesn’t make for great party conversation.

Korra: HAAAAAAAAAALP

Asami: +1

Mako: You guys know I’m in this chat too

Asami: +1

Korra: We know. That’s why we said it ;P

Mako: D: you guys suck

Asami: +1

Opal: Sorry Bolin is taking FOREVER picking out an outfit

Mako: Seriously Bo? Such a diva.

Bolin: Dude. I’m right here.

Mako: I know. That’s why I said it. :D

Asami: …

Opal: LOL

Korra: 2/10 stealing our line, would not read again.

Asami: 4/10 with rice.

Mako: I hate you guys.

Asami: +1

Korra: +2

Opal: +3

Bolin: +3

Bolin: DAMNIT OPAL

Asami: *DAMMIT

Bolin: D: We’re not coming anymore

Opal: GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND FINISH CHANGING

Asami: +9001

Mako: Um. You’re one to talk.

Mako: You’re on your phone.

Mako: At your own housewarming.

Korra: It’s my party, I can type if I want to.

Naga: woof!

Opal: Which one of you is in control of that FB account anyways

Asami: A magician never reveals her secrets

Mako: I saw who it was!

Mako: It was jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjk;po

Opal: k Bo is ready we’re heading out now!

Mako: +1

Korra: omg hahaha hurry up sami has makos phone and were browsing his okcupid

Bolin: HAHAHAHA screenshot pls

Opal: Fuck Bolin stop texting and driving

Bolin: THIS RED LIGHT HAS BEEN LITERALLY FIVE YEARS I HAVE A BEARD NOW

Opal: Can confirm, is thick and v manly

Mako: woof.

Bolin: We're here, open the door! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started off as a silly one-shot story I thought of on the way to musical rehearsals today and it sorta spiraled out of control. So enjoy!


	2. The Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Casa Del Korrasami.
> 
> That means House of Korra and Asami Sato in pig latin.

After a few knocks, Bolin tried just opening the door. It was unlocked. They stepped into the reasonably… unreasonably (reasonably unreasonable, that makes sense, right?) house and heard nothing but the sounds of the soothing voice of Michael Bublé over the stereo system.

Aside from that, it was quiet.

Too quiet, considering what had been described in the Facebook Group Chat.

“Hellooooo?” half-shouted Bolin, hands cupped around his mouth as a makeshift megaphone. “Korra? Asami? Korrasamiiiiiii?! We’re here!”

The only reply was Bublé, crooning that he wanted to go home. Something was wrong. It had to be.

* * *

Opal: Heyyy

Opal: Where are you guys?

Bolin: the door was unlocked and all we see is this snazzy hall to the living room and the rockin hits of michael bubble

Mako: *Bublé

Opal: ASAMI WHERE ARE YOU

Korra: Oh sorry, we’re in the backyard.

Korra: Um, one of them.

Bolin: ?!1

Korra: It’s super-easy to get to

Korra: take a left at the living room

Korra: keep going until you hit the water fountain

Opal: water fountain?

Korra: cross the koi pond bridge and you should be in the kitchen

Korra: feel free to grab some ordurves (sp?)

Mako: *hors d’oeuvres

Bolin: *Obi-Wan Kenobi

Korra: you’ll see a door leading outside from the kitchen. that is not the droid you’re looking for.

Bolin: sick reference bro

Bolin: your references are out of control. everybody knows that

Korra: I understood that reference.

Mako: I understood THAT reference.

Naga: woof!

Opal: BACKYARD. DIRECTIONS.

Korra: ...was just fuckin with ya. straight into the living room, door on the right.

Bolin: …

Opal: …

Korra: :D

* * *

A short walk into the red and black living room (“I wonder who decorated this room?” Bolin wondered aloud. Opal elbowed him in the side.) and out the door and the two found themselves on a patio that verged on being bigger than their bedroom back home. The roof over it was an intricate design of arcing wood carvings, the empty spaces between not being covered at all. The darkening orange-blue gradiented sky peeked through the roof holes (Bolin knew there was a better word for it, but he couldn’t be bothered to look it up), and there were white Christmas lights wrapped around the roof and pillars which gave the air a fairly fantasy-like glow.

Korra was sitting on the counter of the mini-bar set-up on the right side of the patio, staring at the phone in her right hand while taking a sip of the beer in her other. She wore a pair of blue jeans with an unbuttoned long sleeve in a lighter shade of blue, sleeves rolled up to the elbow. Underneath was a Nine Inch Nails tanktop Bolin knew all too well - it was her go-to workout shirt when practicing with the Fire Ferrets. He had suspicions that she had at least 3 of the same tanktop in her closet, but was smart enough to never ask. Her hair, cut short years ago for the sake of convenience, was slightly frazzled by the moisture in the air, but otherwise looked great.

“KORRA!” shouted Bolin. Korra looked up and a huge grin appeared on her face.

She put both phone and beer can on the counter and hopped off towards the couple. “Bolin! Opal! You guys finally made it!” The two closed the rest of the distance and they hugged. Bolin, being the strong yet sensitive guy he was, lifted his girlfriend and the Avatar off the ground with his bear hug.

“Of course! We wouldn’t miss this for the world,” he said, unknowingly (or knowingly) squeezing the air out of the girls’ lungs. He put them down and ignored Korra’s exaggerated (or not?) sudden gasp for air. “Where are Asami, Mako and the airbenders?”

As if on cue, the three heard the deep and irritated voice of Tenzin. “Ikki, Meelo, get down here RIGHT NOW! You are guests and a certain level of respect is required!”

The three benders on the patio looked at each other expectantly, then with a grin ran out onto the stone path leading off the patio and into the backyard proper.

Tenzin stood facing the house, his face a lovely shade of purple. Pema, and Jinora stood to either side of the airbending master. Pema’s face seemed to communicate an apathetic indifference, the facial equivalent of “It’s Ikki and Meelo. What did you expect?” Jinora’s expression was a slight eyebrow raise, but her sight was focused on the tablet in her hands. Reading a book, Bolin figured. As the three turned to match Tenzin’s eyesight, there was a loud cackle from… on top of the house?

“I’M QUEEN OF THE CASTLE, I’M QUEEN OF THE CASTLE!” declared Ikki, who along with Meelo stood on the roof of the two-storied house. She was precariously balanced on the tip of one of the pyramid structures that comprised the roof, while Meelo paced back and forth, arms behind his back, chest jutted out like some sort of military official.

“We,” the boy announced, “the Airbending Empire, ruled by Queen Ikki, first of her name, slayer of Buffalo Bears, thrower of tea parties, will rule all over this land. And we will call it… this land.”

“I say we should call it your grave!” responded a female voice. Bolin turned to find the voice and saw only bushes and an elaborate flowerbed. Then without warning, Asami emerged from the shrubbery, clad in a flowing, shimmering red dress and a black leather jacket. She did a quick Sato Hair Flip (patent pending) as she stood to her full height. In each hand she held a phone. One was, presumably, Mako’s.

“What the hell?” muttered Opal. “She’s got like, no leaves or twigs on her. And her hair is perfect. How does she do that?”

Korra nudged the Beifong. “It’s a fake bush,” she whispered. “‘Sami designed it herself. It leads to one of her garages downstairs.”

Bolin shook his head. “Rich people.”

“Says the mover star,” countered Korra.

“Shots fired,” Jinora said, not looking up from her tablet.

“WHO WAS THAT?” Meelo shouted, looking out onto the backyard. “Pretty lady?!” he blurted incredulously. “Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!”

Asami giggled, then stopped as another, more manly voice emerged from the patio.

“ASAMI! PHONE! NOW!” yelled Mako in a huff, exiting the house and looking out at the group of people gathered on the stone path.

Asami looked to Korra, who nodded and in turn looked to Opal and Bolin.

“OKCupid, huh?” Bolin smirked.

“OKCupid,” confirmed Asami.

“I can get you up,” Opal noted.

“Giggity,” snorted Korra.

“On the ROOF,” Opal corrected.

“I’ll run distraction,” Bolin finalized. Everyone nodded in agreement.

* * *

 

The following events occurred simultaneously:

Bolin walked up to his older brother with open arms. “Mako, ol’ buddy! It’s been a while! How’s the force?

 

“Tenzin,” Korra said. “We’ve got Mako’s online dating profile. You down to listen to some performance art?”

 

“Meelo!” shouted Asami. “I request asylum in the glorious land of This Land!”

Meelo pondered. “Only because you’re so beautiful,” he decided.

 

“Ikki, how loud can you yell?” asked Opal, grabbing Asami by the waist.

Ikki stared.

Meelo stared.

Everyone stared.

“Dumb question, never mind,” muttered Opal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it looks like a reference, it's a reference.


	3. Profiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't have an issue with Mako. I swear. I promise.

“MY FELLOW COUNTRYMEN,” shouted Meelo authoritatively from the rooftop. “YOUR QUEEN HAS A PROCLAMATION TO… UM.” The boy stroked his chin thoughtfully. “PROCLAIM.”

“Friends.” started Ikki, in a nearly convincing royal voice. “Family. Jinora.”

“Hey!”

“I have been tasked today to deliver a message from on high. A message brought to us… from the fuuuuuuuuuuuture!”

Bolin, currently locking his brother’s head in a, um, headlock, oohed and aww-ed appropriately. Ikki turned towards Asami with a bright look on her face.

“Get it? Future? Because you’re in charge of Future Industries and-”

“GET ON WITH IT!” yelled Korra, snapping the airbender ~~girl~~ queen back to attention.

“And without further dudes,” shouted the girl (“Ado,” Asami corrected, earning a death glare of death from Ikki) “Mako: The Forever Alone and his Plea to Cupid.”

Cheers abound. By this point a few of Opal’s brothers had arrived at the party along with Suyin. Korra was quick to fill them in with the details (“Mako. OKCupid. Reading out loud.”)

“Ah-he-hem!”

* * *

_dafireferret69_

Bolin: Really Mako? Really?

Mako: Dammit Bolin either use deodorant or let me go!

_My self-summary_

_Hi! Mako here._

Asami: The Zuko route has been scientifically proven to be lame.

_I’m an Aries firebender which means I’m a very passionate person._

Asami: Astrology has been scientifically proven to be false.

_When I’m not working out with my pro-bending team or making the world a better place-_

Su: Holy crap, swipe left.

Korra: This is OKCupid, not Tinder, Su. Wait, how do you know how Tinder works?

Su: Ooh look, a koi pond bridge, I’ll be right back.

Wing: Bring some hor d'oeuvres!

_I like spending my time helping others or watching chick flicks at home (I like The Notebook. Deal with it.)_

Tenzin: Wow, that’s desperate.

Korra: Actually Tenzin, I walked in on him once. It’s a thing.

Pema: ...Was he crying?

Korra: Justin Timberlake wrote a song about it. “Cry Me A River” I think it was.

Mako: I CAN HEAR YOU!

_Mostly I’m looking for someone who doesn’t mind a good quiet night in watching some movers._

Bolin: Dude you put 69 in your username.

Mako: So?

Bolin: Do you not know what that means?

Mako: ...No?

Bolin: Yeah, I’m beginning to see why you need OKCupid now.

Mako: There’s nothing wrong with online dating!

_What I’m doing with my life_

_I am a pro-bender and a detective for RCPD. So don’t do drugs near me! Haha, that was a joke._

Tenzin: Every party needs a pooper, that’s why they invited you.

Korra: Did you just-

Tenzin: I better go check on Su, she might get lost on the way to the kitchen.

_I’m also writing a novel in my spare time. It’s about an intrepid young handsome detective-_

Opal: I wonder who that could be?

_solving the kidnapping of his beautiful girlfriend (maybe it’s you!)_

A collective groan. Bolin jabs Mako in the stomach (lightly. Okay maybe not) for good measure.

_I’m really good at_

_Listening and understanding the people I care about._

Jinora snorts.

Korra: Haha, snort.

_The first things people usually notice about me_

Asami: My love of scarves?

Bolin: My brooding yet alluring personality?

Korra: My sharp eyebrows?

Jinora: My shark eyebrows?

Opal: My, um, scarf eyebrows?

Meelo: SILENCE, MORTALS!

_My calm and introverted demeanor-_

Bolin: Score!

_my sharp fashion sense-_

Asami: +1

Korra: Eyebrows count.

_and my loyalty towards my friends._

Opal: Um…

Korra: Okay, he’s got a point there.

Bolin: Love you bro!

Bolin releases Mako from the headlock. Mako’s nose is eternally grateful.

_Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food_

Bolin: BORING! Skip please.

_The six things I could never do without_

Asami: My scarf?

Bolin: My brooding yet alluring personality?

Korra: My sharp eyebrows?

Opal: Whoa. Deja vu.

_1\. My friends_

A collective aww. Huan fake pukes.

_2\. Puppycat videos on Youtube_

Jinora: That’s not fair, nobody can live without that. That’s like saying you can’t live without air.

_3\. My brother and our pet fire ferret_

Bolin puts Mako in a bear hug. His ribs declare war in the near future.

_4\. Pro-bending_

_5\. Romcoms_

_6\. Narook’s_

Everyone: _Amen._

Korra: I feel like if there was like, a multiverse where there are different versions of us, we’d all still be in love with Narook’s.

Jinora: What if it was a universe where like, you were all mermaids and seaweed noodles weren’t popular due to like, being what you used for clothes and stuff?

Korra: ...goddamn mermaids.

_I spend a lot of time thinking about_

Asami: My scarf?

Bolin: My brooding yet alluring personality?

Korra: My sharp

Mako: OKAY I GET IT!

_On a typical Friday night I am_

Asami: Ikki, you skipped the “stuff I’m thinking about” section.

Ikki: There was nothing there.

Jinora: There’s a joke I could make here, but I’m not going to.

_Hanging out with my friends. Or arresting people._

Bolin: Or arresting your friends.

Mako: Okay, first off, it was one time. Second, that was an affront to humanity.

Korra: It was just a joke!

Mako: Seaweed noodles should NEVER be used that way.

Asami: Plus. Fucking. One.

Meelo: YOU SAID A BAD WORD!

Pema: ...do I want to know?

Everyone: NO.

_The most private thing I’m willing to admit_

_My last two girlfriends are now dating each other._

Korra: Damn right we are!

Asami: High five!

Korra airbends herself towards Asami and their hands collide while she’s in midair. Partygoers throughout the night comment that it was a pretty amazing high five and you had to be there to understand the hype.

_I’m looking for_

Asami: My scarf?

Bolin: My brooding yet alluring *snort*

Mako: I hate you all.

Korra: Haha, snort.

_my scarf. Heh._

Everyone stares.

Mako: I still hate you all.

_You should message me if_

_you want to. I’m not going to try to win you over (I mean, aside from this profile obviously). I’m not desperate-_

Asami: Objection, your honour.

Ikki: Ab stains.

Asami: ... abstained. It's abstained.

Bolin: Are ab stains like, when you spill paint on Korra?

Korra snorts.

Jinora: Haha, snort.

Ikki: Okay, this is boring now. I’m done.

* * *

“I’m just happy you got her to READ,” Tenzin said, finally taking it upon himself to reappear. A look of horrifying comprehension dawns on Ikki’s face.

“Hey wait, yeah! What’s the big idea?” she said, turning to Asami.

“Opal. Down. Now.” Asami’s look of pure (mock, probably. Maybe. Who knows?) horror is enough to get Opal to grab her friend and airbend her off the roof, Ikki and Meelo in hot pursuit. At this point, Korra and Bolin are on the ground in tears. Jinora looks away from her tablet at the Avatar in the grass.

“Shouldn’t you be helping your girlfriend?” she asks.

“SHOULDN’T YOU BE GIVING BACK MY PHONE?” yells Mako, who proceeds to chase the airbender kids.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but weekend stuff. You know. Yeah.


	4. Cards on the Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Korra wants to play a game. Everyone else sees their lives flash before their eyes.

“You want to play a card game,” Mako asked with a skeptical look on his face and a martini (shaken, not stirred) in his hand. The congregation at the Sato household had settled in the bar space next to the kitchen. Because Asami was rich, and who doesn’t want their own bar?

Korra shrugged. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” she replied. In her hand was a glass of Angry Orchard cider with a shot of Fireball whiskey. Earlier she had proclaimed the drink to be called an “Angry Ball”, which earned a round of snickering from everyone. Even Tenzin.

Mako and Tenzin shared a look. “ _YOU_ ,” Mako emphasized with a finger to Korra’s shoulder, “want to play a _card_ game.”

Wing and Wei, who had just downed a shot of whiskey each, crinkled their noses and nodded. “Yeah,” Wing agreed. “That is hiiiiiighly suspect,” Wei finished.

Korra shuddered. “Okay, you two need to stop doing that. I didn’t invite Eska and Desna for a reason. That twin shit freaks me out.”

Suyin, who found herself leaning against the kitchen counter with a bottle of wine and an empty wine glass (for pretenses), pushed off and walked towards the high table the rest of the group were seated at. “They’ve got a point. We know you Korra. I thought you’d be getting us to play like, something more violent.”

“Whack-a-badger-mole,” suggested Bolin.

“Pin the Tail on the Real-Life Platypus Bear," Tenzin conjectured.

“Mecha-Suit Rock’em Sock’em Robots,” Huan volunteered.

“Push the Seaweed Noodles-” started Opal.

“WE AGREED TO NEVER SPEAK OF THE NOODLE INCIDENT,” Mako barked, causing Opal to flinch into Bolin’s arm and take a sip of her daiquiri.

“It’s not violent,” Korra said, hands raised to shoulder-level in self-defense. “But it _is_ a game that I made up.”

The group all looked at each other. Wing, Wei, and Huan muttered something about a koi pond bridge and walked off, drinks in hand (well, except Huan. He had some inhuman wheat grass concoction that reminded Bolin of that one time he watched a documentary about gator hunters in the Bayou). The Krew had taken a step back warily, while Tenzin’s face blanched.

“Is…” he struggled. “Is there a risk of death?” The airbending kids looked up in response. Death was interesting.

Asami shook her head in the negative, while pouring herself another glass of red wine. “No, no worries. But I will admit, it’s a really fun game.”

"So you haven't had time to standardize the rules of Pai Sho, but enough time to create your own card game?" Bolin asked.

The woman brushed it off with a motion similar to brushing something off the shoulder. "Pssh, Pai Sho is old hat. This the new shit."

“Is there risk of death?” Mako asked again, no hint of a joke on his face.

The Future Industries CEO - who had made it abundantly clear that this was her job title with the little “Hi! My name is Future Industries CEO” sticker on her jacket - did a double take. “Are you serious? I just told you that a moment ago.”

“But why male models?” quipped Korra.

“But seriously,” Asami continued before the circlejerk of references could truly begin, “the game is a lot of fun. I’ve actually decided to start up a dummy corporation and start selling them throughout the United Republic.”

Mako, Bolin, and Opal instantly went from hesitant to excited. Tenzin and Su, on the other hand, were less than convinced.

“You’re sure Korra made this?” Suyin asked.

“And we won’t die?” Tenzin clarified.

The Avatar nodded. “Although,” she said, looking at the airbender kids. “The kids would probably be too bored with the game. They’ll need to find something else to do.” A slow and sly wink dropped onto Korra’s face.

“Curse you, vile woman!” Meelo immediately yelled. Ikki, too, got up in a huff. Jinora and Kai were busy reading something on Jinora’s tablet.

Asami stood up with a chuckle, grabbing Meelo by the hand and immediately pacifying him. “It’s okay. We’ve got a video game room up on the second floor that I’m SURE you would love.”

“Oh! Oh! Do you have Smash Brothers?!” Ikki said excitedly, following Asami out of the room. Kai and Jinora followed quite clumsily, not prying their eyes off the tablet and walking into no less than 2 walls on the way out.

“Video game room?” Tenzin asked. “You mean the entertainment center in the living room?”

Korra gave a lopsided grin. “Nope. Iiiiiit’s a video game room. Like literally.”

“Oh?” Bolin vocalized.

The woman nodded, her eyes alive with joy. “Yep. We have all the consoles-”

“OOOOH!” Bolin squealed.

“...ten Sato gaming desktops-”

“OOOOOOOOOH!” Bolin squealed again.

“all equipped with the Oculus Rift.”

Bolin fell out of his stool (either from squeal percentages reaching critical or the beer he’d been drinking. Maybe both). He quickly recovered and started shifting sneakily in the direction Asami had walked towards. “So um, I just realized, I have to go to the little boy’s room…”

“Bo. Sit.” Opal gestured.

“But ARAM, Opal! ARAM!” Bolin pleaded.

Opal shook her head, and gestured back at his stool. “We can play League later, you Silver League scrub.”

“Anyways,” Suyin continued, “you and Sato have me convinced. The game isn’t boring at all, is it?”

Korra’s grin got wider. “Not by a long shot. And this version of the game, well, I had ‘Sami get it printed specifically for us.”

“...is that a good thing?” Tenzin questioned, hand gripping his margarita a bit too tightly.

Korra, ducked under the table and grabbed a box at the foot of her stool. “That,” she said, coming up with the box of cards, “depends on you.”

Tenzin, Su, Mako, Bolin, and Opal all looked at the box. It was unlabeled with a glossy black finish. “So?” they asked, nearly in unison.

As Asami walked back into the room, Korra opened the box. Reaching in, she grabbed one stack of cards and gave another to her girlfriend, who started dealing out cards to everyone. When everything was dealt, Korra sat down, grabbed a card from the undealt pack, the back of the card a glossy black.

“Welcome,” she said, with an evil grin on her face, “to **Cards Against Humanity**.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, so THAT'S gonna happen. Bets on who the winner will be, anyone?
> 
> And as always, if it looks like a reference, it's a reference.


	5. The Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game. And you just lost it. Sorry.

“Okay, so how do we play?” Bolin asks, looking at the seven cards in his hand.

“And what the fuck is wrong with you?” Mako muttered, while sorting his cards out (in what order he has in mind, nobody knows).

Korra grinned. “It’s basically a fill-in-the-blank game. Each round we have what I’m calling a card-vatar-”

“We’re testing for better names,” Asami interjected, frowning at her cards. “Shit hand is shit.”

“-and that person announces the ‘topic’, which are on these black cards here,” she pointed at the stack of cards to her right. “You then choose an answer from your hand and place it face-down on the table. The card-vatar then has to choose which card is their favorite answer, and the winner gets the black card.”

Tenzin, staring at his cards with intense concentration (or disgust), looked up at the group. “Seems simple enough,” he said. “Are we trying for the answer that makes the most sense, the funniest, the most offensive…?”

Korra leaned on the back of her stool for a moment, stroking her chin. “Yes,” she answered.

The airbending monk sighed. “Fair enough.”

“How do we decide the winner?” Su questioned.

Asami answered, “We’ll go with a short game to start. First to five?” She glanced at each person, who either shrugged or nodded in the affirmative. “Alright then, Korra, start us off.” 

* * *

  **What will always get you laid?**

Mako: Holy motherfuck, I have the perfect card.

The firebender and Tenzin placed their cards in almost immediately.

Bolin: Yeah, I seriously doubt your sense of humor.

Opal: None of my cards fit. I don’t think.

Suyin: I think I got this in the bag.

All cards are on the table.

Asami: Remember to get a new white card after you put one in.

Korra: Alright, here we go. What will always get you laid?

 

_ -The glare of the sun on Tenzin’s bald head. _

Tenzin: I resent that card.

Suyin: You’ve never had to see your head on the beach, Ten.

Tenzin: Pema likes my head!

Suyin: Because she can get a tan from the reflection.

 

_ -Being rich. _

Asami: Well, I mean, it’s true.

Korra: Damn right!

A high five. It is, admittedly, not as cool as the air-five from earlier, which Bolin still can’t get over.

 

_ -Grandma. _

Mako: Yeah, that doesn’t work.

Opal: That is just wrong.

Bolin: What little respect I had for you has disappeared.

Mako: It was a joke, c’mon.

 

_ -Explosions. _

Korra: This card is bad and whoever put it in should feel bad.

Mako visibly sulks.

 

_ -Doing the thing. _

Everyone looks at each other briefly.

Mako, Asami, Korra: ZHU-LI!

Bolin, Opal, Suyin: DO THE THING!

Opal: Hahaha, I’m pretty sure that’s how it’d actually go down, too.

Asami: Speaking of going down…

Tenzin: And now that image is burned into my brain for all eternity. I need some bleach.

Suyin: Weeeeeeell…

 

_ -Puppies! _

Bolin: Well, I mean, yeah.

Korra: So that one wins.

Suyin: Score one for Su!

She takes the black card, as Asami draws the next one.

 

** What am I giving up for Lent? **

Bolin puts in a card almost immediately and draws a new one. Upon reading it, he slaps himself in the forehead.

Bolin: Ugh, this one would’ve been PERFECT!

Korra: Yeah, that happens sometimes.

She submits her card and draws.

Korra: SON OF A BITCH!

One by one everyone else gives Asami their answers.

Asami: Okay. What am I giving up for Lent?

 

_ -Poor life choices. _

Korra: Boo, Tenzin. Boo.

Tenzin: That wasn’t mine!

 

_ -Genuine human connection. _

Korra: Boo, Tenzin. Boo.

Tenzin: No comment.

 

_ -Earthbending outlines of penises into buildings. _

Korra: I don’t even.

Bolin: There aren’t any words.

Opal: You’re just ashamed you haven’t thought of doing that before, huh.

Bolin: ...maybe.

 

_ -The Sato Hair Flip™. _

Asami: Yeah, that’s never going to happen.

Mako: We know.

Asami does the Sato Hair Flip™.

 

_ -The soothing sounds of adult contemporary radio. _

Suyin: Delilaaaaaaah!

Asami: Okay, someone is pandering. Only two people know I listen to that show.

Tenzin: Wait, you listen to Delilah?

Asami: I grew up sheltered a bit, okay?

Suyin: I have so much respect for you.

Asami: That’s like the worst thing you could say to me right now.

 

_ -Bees? _

Mako: Hahaha what the hell is that card?

Bolin: Riiiiight? Like I can just imagine sitting there, shrugging and tilting your head like-

Bolin sits there, shrugs, then tilts his head near horizontal with a quizzical look on his face.

Bolin: Bees?

Asami: I’m going to have to go with the Earthbending penis.

Bolin: I WIN! Oh wait, you mean the card.

Suyin: That’s two for Su!

Korra: But Delilah, ‘Sami!

Asami: We are not speaking right now.

Tenzin: I believe it’s your turn, Bolin.

 

** Coming to Broadway this season, _______________: The Musical. **

Everyone puts in their cards right away.

Bolin: Holy shit, you guys. That was quick.

Tenzin: That’s what she said.

Asami: ...what.

Mako: Did… did you just make a funny?

Korra: THE SKY IS FALLING!

Suyin: You should’ve seen him in college.

Tenzin: Not a word, Su.

Bolin: COMING TO BROADWAY THIS SEASON,

 

_ -Bolin, The Soviet Love Hammer: The Musical _

Bolin: I am indeed a love machine.

Opal giggles. Su turns to Bolin.

Suyin: There’s plenty of metal in that kitchen over there.

Bolin: Moving on.

 

_ -Stephen Hawking talking dirty: The Musical _

Asami: I’m crying. I’m actually crying.

Korra: A. Whole. New. World.

Opal: A new. Fantastic. Point. Of view.

This continues for the rest of the song. Bolin falls out of his stool twice.

Tenzin: You know that isn’t how he speaks, right? You’re just robots at this point.

 

_ -YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS: The Musical _

Mako: My life for Aiur!

Bolin: Wraith awaiting launch orders.

Mako: You require more vespene gas.

Opal: Why am I dating you again?

 

_ -Morgan Freeman’s voice: The Musical _

Tenzin: On the first day, I created my voice. And it was good.

Korra: Tenzin, your Morgan Freeman voice…

Tenzin: Oh. That bad huh?

Everyone: NO!

Mako: That was fucking amazing!

Asami: +1

Suyin: I never knew you had it in you.

 

_ -Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum: The Musical _

Tenzin: Oh now that’s just ain’t right.

Korra: Stop talking like Morgan Freeman, Tenzin.

Tenzin: You’re not my real father!

Korra: TECHNICALLY I AM!

 

_ -HONOR: The Musical _

Bolin: Starcraft wins.

Mako: Score one for dafireferret69!

Asami: Too bad you can’t SCORE.

Korra: Sick burn.

Bolin: Opal, your card-vatar card.

Opal: Thanks babe. Ahem ahem...

 

** Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when _______________ attacked. **

Opal: Isn’t that the intro to that one mover you were in, Bolin?

Korra: We don’t talk about that mover.

Mako: Why would they have cast you as Sokka anyways?

Bolin: Hey! I’ve got good enough chops for the role!

Mako: You’re Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation. And in your twenties. Why did they cast YOU as a Water Tribe teenager?

Suyin: Which mover are you talking about?

Korra: The one about Avatar Aang.

Suyin: I’ve never heard of it.

Asami: Whoosh, Korra. Whoosh.

 

_ -President Raiko. _

Korra: That monkeyduck couldn’t attack a brick wall with his face.

 

_ -A large fuckin’ spirit of chaos combined with an insane Northern Water Tribe Chief. _

Korra: Hey, that’s my uncle!

Tenzin: I know.

Korra: ...touché.

 

_ -A lifetime of sadness. _

Bolin: Oooh. That makes me sad.

 

_ -An erection lasting longer than four hours. _

_ -Men. _

Opal: Technically correct.

Asami: Which is the best kind of correct.

 

_ -Incest. _

Korra: A Lannister always pays his debts.

Tenzin: You told me the kids would enjoy that show!

Mako: You did what?!

Korra: Sorry! I thought we were talking about Lord of the Rings!

Opal: You confused Game of Thrones with Lord of the Rings?!

Asami: It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

Opal: Anyways, I’m going to go with “Incest”.

Suyin: Phrasing.

Korra: I’ll take that. Although I didn’t think I’d win…

Asami: Hun, Opal’s adoptive sister was going to marry her, as in Opal’s, biological brother.

Korra: Ugh, when you put it that way.

Suyin: My turn, listen up!

 

**I’m sorry Professor, I couldn’t complete my homework because of _______________.  **

_ -My sharp eyebrows. _

Mako: Seriously guys?

Asami: No one is safe.

 

_ -Chief Beifong in an interrogation room with a pair of handcuffs. _

Suyin: Hey, that’s my sister.

Opal: And my aunt!

Mako: And my boss!

Korra: We know.

Tenzin: Yeah, that sounds about right…

Suyin: And that’s a can of worms I NEVER wanted to open.

 

_ -Edible underpants. _

Korra: Those exist?

Asami: Oh honey.

 

_ -That thing that electrocutes your abs. _

Suyin: What, you mean like a Varricizer?

Asami: That is NOT what that thing does.

Korra: Nope.

Opal: Definitely not.

Tenzin: I don’t get it.

Suyin: And you never will.

 

_ -Nuktuk, Hero of the South erotica. _

Bolin: That… that exists?!

Korra: Oh honey.

 

_ -Multiple stab wounds. _

Tenzin: That WOULD be a detriment.

Suyin: Yeah, but I mean, Lin.

Korra: Hells to the yeah.

Bolin: Maaaan, I haven’t won once yet.

Tenzin: Shut up, it’s my turn now.

 

** After the earthquake, Iknik Blackstone Varrick brought _______________ to the people of Haiti. **

Suyin: Oh, this should be good.

Asami: This one is a throwaway, if I win I’ll be disappointed in all of you.

 

_ -After the earthquake, Iknik Blackstone Varrick brought  Iknik Blackstone Varrick to the people of Haiti. _

Korra: Okay, that one has to win.

Bolin: It’s the truest thing I’ve ever read.

Opal: Speaking of which, where IS Varrick?

Korra: We DID invite him and Zhu-Li, right Sams? 

* * *

 As if on cue, Asami’s phone rings. She pulls her cell out of the purse on the table and puts it to her ear.

"Hello? Hey Varrick. We were just talking abou-" A pause. "No, I'm next to one of my workshops though and there's a lapto- that important?" Asami turned to her friends and mouthed a silent "sorry".

She got up from her stool and started walking towards a bookshelf in the bar. Asami grabbed a light green book and suddenly the bookshelf opened up to a mechanic's garage.

"Seriously, Asami?" Opal said, dumbstruck.

The engineer walked into the room, saying "Okay, send me the file and..." the door/bookshelf closed in. The rest of the players leaned in towards each other conspiratorially.

"What do you think that was about?" Bolin asked in a whisper.

A shrug from the Avatar. "Probably some business stuff." She grinned sheepishly. "It happens a lot. I guess break time until she gets back?"

Tenzin turned to Suyin. "Drink?"

"Yes PLEASE. I'm dry." She stood up and started towards the cabinets, "and have you  _seen_ this liquor collection?"

Tenzin began making himself another margarita while Suyin taste-tested various bottles. Suddenly, a muffled shout could be heard from beyond the bookshelf. "THAT IS THE MOST IGNORANT THING I'VE EVER HEARD!"

The Krew looked towards the source of the yells with faces ranging from curiosity, horror, and drunk (or a combination of the three).

"You know what, I haven't truly appreciated this koi pond bridge," Tenzin said, walking away rather swiftly.

"Tenzin! Your drink!" Su ran after the monk hurriedly.

The remaining young adults sat at the table, alone.

"Eavesdrop?" Mako ventured.

A nod from Korra. "Eavesdrop."

And in a flash, the four benders were leaned ear-first against the bookshelf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ran on a bit longer than I expected, while also not!
> 
> Anyways, thanks for sticking around this far in. I am happy to announce that the actual "story" I wanted to tell when I began writing has actually begun. Rest assured that the humor (if one could call it that) will remain and there is more planned afterwards.
> 
> With that said, if you liked it, leave a comment! If you hated it, leave a comment!
> 
> And yes, that Varricizer was a reference to The Icarus and the Sea. I ADORE that fanfic so much.


	6. Loud Noises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asami and Varrick get in a fight. Korra tries to help.

Thirty minutes had passed, and the quartet that had been attempting to eavesdrop on Asami’s argument with Varrick had learned some things:

1\. Books, wood, and concrete made for very effective noise-cancelling.

2\. That they had heard Asami’s outburst at all said a LOT for Asami’s vocal cords.

3\. The capital of Cambodia is named Phnom Penh. (Opal had, in her boredom, pulled out an encyclopedia and started reading)

The four had, while still next to the bookshelf, moved on to other activities.

Opal had a stack of books gathered by where she lay on the floor. Back on the ground, the airbender was reading a story about a rich girl violinist falling in love with the lead singer of a rock band. Her feet were up and resting on one of the shelves.

Korra had taken to practicing some airbending forms. Due to her inebriated state, she may have knocked over the table where the Cards Against Humanity game had been set up (okay, she did. Four times). Luckily there were few black cards in play at the time and they were able to keep a tally of who had won what. Bolin had attempted a quick one in getting a black card for himself, but failed miserably.

Mako had pulled out his phone and started playing Flappy Bird. His current record was 50, which was about fifteen minutes ago. His progress since then has been defined by the frequent muttering of “Fucking hell,” “Son of a motherfuck”, and “I will arrest you, game.”

Bolin was behind the bar, attempting to be a bartender. His ideas for mixed drinks were spotty at best, although he did discover a delicious margarita variation that involved jalapenos (“galap in ohs” as he calls them) and three different fruit juices that tasted like Sunny D. The group had agreed the drink tasted like childhood (or more specifically, like watching Recess after school with Sunny D-quila) and it became their drink of choice while waiting out the Sato fight.

“We should check up on her,” Opal said, after finishing a chapter of her book. The rock star had just gone to the violinist’s recital as a favor to her other bandmembers and fallen quite smitten. She stood up and took a sip of her Recess. “It’s been like, half an hour.”

As if in response, they heard a loud thud from beyond the bookshelf-wall-door… thing. “WELL YOU’RE TOO NARROW-MINDED TO SEE THE BIG PICTURE!”

“Yeah, pardon me for being rude,” Bolin said, sipping on his drink. “But I’m not touching THAT with a ten-foot pole. In fact, my _ten-foot pole_ wouldn’t touch that with a ten-foot pole.”

“My whole stance with her is… DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!” Mako snapped at his phone finally putting the device into his pocket. “Anyways, just leave her be. I’m sure it’ll sort itself out.”

“That’s what we said twenty minutes ago!” Bolin countered, with a sigh. “Hey, Korra?”

At the sound of her name, she turned quickly towards the bar, with a whirl of airbending lifting her hair up slowly. “Sup Brolin?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be like some master mediator?” Bolin asked, pointing his drink in her direction, spilling some on the floor (“Party foul,” Opal muttered).

“Correctamundo! A word I have never used before and hopefully never will again.”

“Well…” Bolin started, glancing at the bookshelf.

“You should probably go do your Avatar thing and resolve this,” finished Mako. “It sounds like it isn’t going to be over any time soon.”

“Oh! Right!” Korra kinda slurred, her hand rubbing hesitantly at the back of her neck. “I should do that, huh.” She strode towards the bookshelf and started looking for the… book-knob? Door-book?

Opal began looking as well. “I think it’s this green one here,” she said, pulling at it slightly. The sound of mechanical gears moving proved that the Airbending Beifong was correct.

“Lady and gents,” the Avatar said, cracking her knuckles, “I’ve got this in the bag.” The door opened and the four got a glimpse of a frustrated Asami sitting at her desk, muttering at a laptop. “Heeeey, Satobot? What’s goin’ on?”

The engineer looked up, saw Korra, and breathed a sigh. “Good, you’re here. I need to ask you something.”

And the shelf closed on the remaining three of the Krew.

“...Satobot?” Mako said with a start.

Bolin shrugged. “It kinda has a ring to it dude.”

Opal nodded in agreement. “We should start calling her that from now on.”

“The Satobot movement is a go!” Bolin shouted, fist raised in a manner reminiscent to the end of The Breakfast Club.

“But seriously, do you think Korra will be able to calm Satobot down?” Mako asked.

Bolin scoffed. “She’s the AVATAR, bro. She’s got this in. The. Bag.”

“YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU SEE THE WORLD IN BLACK AND WHITE.”

“SOMETIMES THAT’S THE WAY THINGS ARE!”

“Uuuuuum, I guess not,” Bolin corrected. 

* * *

  **14 minutes later.**

“Okay, Mako. You gotta get in there,” Bolin urged.

“Why me?” the firebender replied, sharkbrows furrowed tensely.

“Duuuuude. You’re a detective. Isn’t it like, your job to solve crimes?” his brother asked.

“How about we all go in there at once?” suggested Mako.

Opal and Bolin shared a glance.

“You want all THREE of us to barge in on Asami and the AVATAR during an argument.” Opal deadpanned.

A sigh. “Okay, fine.” he muttered. A pull of the book. “Alright you two, we’re getting worried. What’s going on?”

The door closed. “Do you think he’ll be able to do it?” Bolin whispered.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!”

“Guess not,” Opal sighed.

* * *

  **5 minutes later.**

“So,” Suyin started warily. “You sent the boy who technically cheated on both Korra and Asami to resolve an argument between Korra and Asami.”

Silence pervaded the bar.

“...yeah,” Bolin replied slowly. “That may not have been the best idea.”

“Kids,” Tenzin sighed. “I’ll take care of this.”

“What?!” Su exclaimed bewilderingly.

“Su. I was on the Republic City Council for how many years? And I’m the spiritual leader of the Air Nomads. I think I can handle teenaged-”

“We’re all over 20!” Opal interjected in a huff.

“Whatever. Anyways, I think I can handle three young adults having emotional troubles.” Tenzin finished, rubbing his forehead like the father he was.

Opal pulled the door open, causing the argument inside to temporarily subside. Suyin and Tenzin both walked in.

“Calm down, kids. Surely we can resolve this in a peaceful-”

And closed again goes the door.

“Should I even ask?” Opal questioned.

“YOU ARE THE MOST RIDICULOUS-”

“Fuckin’ A,” Bolin sighed.

“What the shit are they even talking about in there?” Opal wondered.

* * *

  **6 minutes later.**

The garage past the bookshelf had increased in volume to a fluctuating dull roar of conversation and shouts. Bolin and Opal were running out of options.

“Lemme get this straight. You sent my father, the least spiritual man on the face of the Earth, the hardheaded teacher that couldn’t break through to Korra on her airbending, and your mother,” Jinora pointed at Opal accusingly, “the woman who had to flee Republic City for criminal activity, to quell an argument.”

“Quell?” Bolin asked.

Opal sighed. “Read a book, Bo.”

“Anyways,” Jinora interrupted with a sharp look towards Bolin, “you should have asked for me earlier.”

“You? Why?”

She scoffed like the 16-year-old she was. “I was able to enter the Spirit World at age 11. I can project my spirit into any room. Reconnaissance, dear Watson. And who can argue with me, ever?”

“There’s-” Kai began.

“That don’t include Ikki or Meelo.”

Kai’s mouth opened in response, held for a second, and closed.

“That’s what I thought. Watch my body.”

“Phrasing,” Bolin said without thinking. Opal punched him in the ribs. “Sorry! Habit.”

Jinora sat down on the floor and put her fists together, arrow tattoos pointing towards each other. The two airbenders and Bolin leaned back in towards the bookshelf. The room beyond quieted for a bit. Then increased in volume near immediately. A crashing of tables could be heard through the shelf door.

“Fuck this, I’m calling the cops,” Opal muttered.

* * *

  **20 minutes later.**

There’s a knock at the door. Bolin was quick to cross the koi pond bridge (he still couldn’t believe that was a thing), get through the living room and to the front door.

Upon opening, the Earthbender was met with a surprise. “Chief Beifong!” he said, with wide eyes. “What are you doing here?”

“Opal called in with a noise disturbance. The last time we were called for that here…” Lin trailed off, with a raise of the eyebrow. “What are the power couple up to now?”

After a quick walk, Lin, Kai, Opal, and Bolin stood warily at the bookshelf door.

“So let me get this straight,” the chief said, in apparent disbelief. “Asami got a call from the should-be-criminal Varrick. Gets into an argument. The Avatar goes in and gets pulled in, followed by my subordinate, my half-sister, my ex-boyfriend, and now his daughter’s spirit.”

The trio nodded, as Beifong looked at the resting body of Jinora, as if she would wake at any moment. “I’m being Punk’d, aren’t I?”

Bolin groaned. “Lin, I’m sorry, but that reference is like, years old and not funny anymore. I swear it’s true.”

Lin tapped her chin. “Well Punk’d did recently relaunch…”

“How do you know that?” Opal questioned.

“I better go in and check on these rascals,” Beifong commented, ignoring the question.

Opal sighed and reached for the green book that opened the pathway. As she stepped in, Lin turned her head to glance over her shoulder. “If I’m not out in ten minutes, call for backup.” She turned back towards the workshop. “Okay you idiots, what’s the big idea?”

“Well,” they heard Varrick’s voice say, before the shelf closed off yet again.

“Wouldn’t it be so much more convenient to, I don’t know, have the secret door stay open?” Opal asked, confuddled.

“It’s a secret door,” Kai said, facepalming.

“Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion,” Bolin sighed.

“YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS. I SWEAR. I HAVE NEVER MET ANYONE AS STUPID AS YOU ALL.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Bolin blurted.

“Should we call for backup?” Opal asked worriedly. Her right hand was already at her cell phone, unlocking the screen.

“NO.” Bolin said, standing tall. “This shit needs to end. Now.” He turned to his girlfriend and Kai. “We’re going in.”

“Um, no dude. Not happening.” Kai started backing away slowly. “I do not want to get in an argument with my girlfriend or her FATHER.”

The earthbender turned towards Kai, the boy he had learned to love like a brother, and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Listen Kai, I’m not saying this is going to be a winning battle. But we have to do this.” Opal was now standing at his side. “You know why? Because the house always wins. Play long enough, you never change the stakes. The house takes you. Unless, when that perfect hand comes along, you bet and you bet big, then you take the house.”

Kai nodded in agreement. Then he stopped. “Dude, that doesn’t even make sense.”

Bolin sighed. “Okay, fine. That was a speech from Ocean’s Eleven and I reaaaaaally wanted to recite it.”

Kai shook his head. “What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic...”

“OKAAAAAY, are we just going to stand here quoting movies all day or are we going to do something about this?” Opal interjected, face cross with frustration.

The three looked for what may be the final time at the bookshelf. “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.” Opal whispered.

“What movie is that from?” Bolin asked, head tilted to the side.

“For fuck’s sake Bo, open the damned door.”

* * *

 “OKAY EVERYONE, CALM THE FUCK DOWN.” Bolin said upon entering, a lava shuriken floating above his palm.

“Bolin! Hey buddy, how are you?” Varrick’s voice said, seemingly out of nowhere.

“Varrick! Where the hell are you?!” Bolin said, still wary of the broken tables and out-of-breath benders around him. Jinora’s spirit disappeared from view, and footsteps from behind him made Bolin aware that she was now back in her body.

There was a groan. “Right, you can’t see me. Sato! Turn the laptop around.”

Asami sighed and did as she was told. Bolin saw the incredulous face of the mad inventor on the screen, Zhu-Li in the background. “Whoa my friend, why the weapons?”

“Why the weapons? WHY THE WEAPONS?! You guys have been yelling at each other and destroying shit for who-knows-how-long! We didn’t know what we were getting into here,” Opal spoke angrily, a pool cue in her hand. Kai was standing behind her, holding Jinora’s hand and shyly smiling.

Korra and Asami looked at each other. Everyone else gave similar glances at others in the room. “It’s not that important,” Korra chuckled nervously.

“Korra. Asami. If it’s got EVERYONE here in a huff, I think it’s pretty important,” Bolin reasoned. “Maybe we can work this out.”

Varrick was verbally considering the request with hmmmms and huhs. “I guess a new set of eyes might shed some light on-”

“That’s what you said the last five billion times this happened!” shouted Asami.

“We have to get a good population of opinions before-”

“Dammit Varrick it’s clear that-”

“Are you guys BLIND?! Because-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Bolin yelled into the argument, quieting the room again. “Just… just tell us what’s going on.”

One more glance between Korra and Asami. “Fine,” Asami agreed with a huff. She hit a few keys on the laptop, and a picture appeared. Bolin, Opal, and Kai walked closer to examine it.

“Is this dress black and blue, or white and gold?” Korra asked.

If there was any way for Bolin’s jaw to more hit the floor, it would have. He glared at Asami. He glared at Korra. He glared at Mako, Su, Tenzin, Jinora, and Lin. “You guys have been arguing about THIS.”

Tenzin looked down, embarrassed. “Maybe.”

“For over an hour,” Opal finished.

Silence permeated throughout the room.

“It’s black and blue,” Bolin said, as Opal said “It’s white and gold.” The two stared at each other.

“Um, I’m sorry Ope, but that dress is black and blue.”

“Well, if you consider the white balance of the picture…” Opal conjectured.

Korra groaned. “Stop bringing white balance into this shit!” she yelled. “It’s black and blue!”

“White balance is very important in this context,” Asami shot back. “You can’t just brush it aside…”

“I’M THE GODDAMNED AVATAR. I KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT BALANCE.”

“White and gold. It’s definitely white and gold,” Tenzin muttered.

“No wonder I broke up with you,” Lin sighed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that was the story I wanted to tell when I started this fic. It has since grown into a completely new beast and I'm so excited I got this "arc" off my chest! On to the next one.
> 
> And as always, if it looks like a reference, it's a reference.


	7. Just Desserts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mako is a man of many skills.

“I’m calling bullshit,” Suyin said, taking a sip of her white wine.

The “adults” of the party had cozied up on the numerous couches in Living Room 2, bottles of wine and Sunny D-quila were scattered on the table. Pema had just got back from dropping Rohan at home to see Meelo and Ikki nodding off in the video game room. The sobriety of her husband Tenzin taken into account, Pema decided to just let them sleep and chill with the rest of the group for once, her motherly instincts temporarily on hold.

“I swear to everything that is tasty and delicious in the world, it’s true,” Bolin insisted, head resting on Opal’s shoulder. He was definitely kinda sorta very drunk.

“I still don’t believe you.”

“Well you believe me, sister. And by sister I mean like, mother of my girlfriend. Mother-in-bill?” said Bolin with doubt, as Opal glared at him. “You know because she wouldn’t be my in-law yet, and before it becomes a law, it’s a bill?”

“I’m just a bill, yes I’m only a bill…” sang Korra, only a little off-key.

Suyin sighed, and turned to Mako, who was staring at his phone intently. “So you can make creme brulee… in less than an hour.”

The detective shrugged. “It’s not that hard,” he replied (“Giggity,” Korra snorted, earning a jab from her girlfriend). “I learned it in like 20 minutes off the Food Network.”

A bark of laughter. “I know it’s not hard,” Suyin responded sarcastically (“Giggity,” Korra snorted, earning a tickle from her girlfriend). “It’s the time that has me skeptical.”

“Makooooo,” Asami said, arms clasped around Korra’s arm. “Make us some creme bruleeeeeeee.”

“Asamiiiiiii,” Opal whined, imitating the CEO’s voice. “Stop extending your voweeeeeeeels.”

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” Asami said, taking a deep breath before continuing, “yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou.”

“That’s Bolin’s job,” Lin snickered.

“Lin!” uttered Tenzin, astonished. “That’s your _niece_ you’re talking about!”

“Why did we bother coming back?” Wei groaned, looking at Wing, who shrugged.

“Free alcohol?” the second twin responded, sipping at his Sunny D-quila. “Fuck me, that’s good.”

“That’s Wei’s job,” Asami chimed in. The entire Beifong clan groaned.

“Those are my BROTHERS, Asami,” Opal said, frowning in disgust at the thought.

The engineer shrugged. “That’s mah fetish,” she replied. Turning to look at Korra for a wink, she saw a slightly disappointed face. “Aside from spiritual figures that represent balance in the world.” Korra’s face brightened and she pat her girlfriend on the top of her head. Asami snuggled into it with a giggle.

“But,” Bolin sputtered, “that’s _incest_.”

“Wincest,” Asami corrected.

“Twincest!” Korra exclaimed suddenly, causing Sato to slightly leap away at the noise. The twins looked at each other, then their drinks, then back at each other.

“Fuck this,” the two said in unison. Korra shuddered. “We’re going home.” They stood up to leave.

“Send me snapchats when you get baaaaaaaaaaack!” Asami called out.

Pema giggled, then turned a slight shade of red at her husband’s glare. “Anyways, creme brulee?”

* * *

“Welcome back to _Tacos with Mako_ , with your host, the firebending detective extraordinaire, Maaakooooooooooooooo!”

Mako glared at Asami, who was sitting on the floor with her legs crossed, typing furiously on her phone. She was also currently the little spoon to the Avatar. “For the last time, this isn’t a TV show,” he sighed.

“It could be!” she countered.

“I’m not even making tacos.”

“BUT IT RHYMES.”

“And it’s just you guys sitting at the bar watching me cook in a kitchen.”

“A live studio audience!”

“It’s not being filmed or broadcast or anything.”

“Aaaaaaaand what makes you think that?” Asami coyly replied.

Suddenly, Mako’s face paled to the color of Naga’s fur. They were, after all, in the Sato household. She had a fucking secret bookshelf door, for crying out loud. Panicking while pouring the hot water into his cake pan, he scanned the rooms, looking for any sign of a camera. Was that statue…? No, couldn’t be. Or how about that-

“She’s just fuckin’ with ya, Mako,” Korra laughed. “Keep going.”

The color returned to the firebender’s face and he started explaining the next steps.

“We’re still streaming right?” Korra whispered.

“Duh,” Asami whispered back. “Just hit three thousand viewers.”

* * *

OPradio: i would so let him creme my brulee

princewukong: just got back. whatd i miss?

princewukong: also what does that even mean

chevytahno: dudes like superheating the water

OPradio: stfu wukong u totally want in dem pants :nokappa:

theshinja: why the fuck u ppl on twitch watching someone cook.

chevytahno: why the fuck u in here complaining

shoryuken: go stream minecraft u scrub

OPradio: it’s subscriber-only chat right now. which means u paid 2 watch someone cook

princewukong: u just salty shin.

Satobot: +1

Satobot: also p sure literally half of you should be doing job things right meow

OPradio: only calls i’ve got at work lately was a noise complaint, my boss went to go check it out.

arrowhead42: is his creme brulee really that good

Satobot: i trust bo.

bathtubwarrior: wait if mako can cool a creme brulee by removing heat can’t he technically freeze things

princewukong: my band rehearsal got cancelled

chevytahno: ^

Satobot: wait OP u work at a police department

chevytahno: i dunno bathtub

escargotfuckyourself: des. we declare war for the lack of invite.

OPradio: ya why

princewukong: actually yeah, why wasn’t i invited Satobot?!?!

_bathtubwarrior left the chat._

_escargotfuckyourself left the chat._

OPradio: is he using his fingers as a blowtorch?!

chevytahno: oh god here it comes

arrowhead42: cue OPradio fangirl sexual comments

Satobot: Seika this is your Chief. Get back to work.

_OPradio left the chat._

theshinja: hey guys u seen that dress on tumblr today?

princewukong: wow, that actually looks really tasty.

arrowhead42: oh god

Satobot: +1

mingmingming: please no

princewukong: wish i knew about that talent years ago

shoryuken: i think it’s blue and black

arrowhead42: sato heading downstairs, save me some

_arrowhead42 left the chat._

chevytahno: ming you said we had to cancel practice tonite bc u were out of town

theshinja: agreed shoryu

_Satobot has muted shoryuken (Reason: WHITE AND GOLD)_

_mingmingming left the chat._

_Satobot has muted theshinja (Reason: WHITE AND GOLD)_

princewukong: sonuvabitch

_chevytahno left the chat._

_princewukong left the chat._

shoryuken: does anyone know if this vid is gonna be archived

shoryuken: …

shoryuken: hello

shoryuken: am i the only sub left on

shoryuken: hello

shoryuken: hello

* * *

“Well I have to admit,” Suyin said after taking a bite, “this is pretty damn good.”

“I’ve had better,” Lin shrugged, taking another scoop with her spoon.

Bolin gaped at the police chief. “B-b-b-but it’s amaaaaazing!”

Mako rolled his eyes. “It’s Chief Beifong. That’s the equivalent of Fry telling me to shut up and take his money.”

Tenzin nodded. “I’ve never heard her so happy before.”

The group laughed, as Lin stood up to leave. “I hate you all,” she said leaving the bar.

“Love you too!” Su shouted back. Everyone got back into laughter and delightful desserts when suddenly, there was a loud crash.

“Ummm, is she really that mad?” Bolin asked.

Mako crinkled his sharkbrows in concentration. “I don’t think so. She’s not one to get physically angry…”

Pema snorted. (“Haha, snort,” Korra said.) “You’ve never dated her ex before,” she replied.

Before the two could get deeper into the argument, a shout rang through the hallways.

“KORRA. MS. SATO. DESNA AND I COME BEARING GIFTS AND ALCOHOL.”

“Is that… Eska?!” Korra questioned.

“COME RECEIVE OUR PRESENTS OF UNINVITED ANGER.”

“Yep, that’s definitely Eska,” Bolin gulped, suddenly fearful for his life. Opal grasped the earthbender’s hand in support.

“How the hell did she find out about the party?!” exclaimed Korra, unable to comprehend the amount of awkward that was going to ensue. Asami chuckled nervously.

“Yeah...” Sato started. “They may have put two and two together when they were watching the _Tacos with Mako_ stream.”

Mako choked on his creme brulee. “Wait so you WERE streaming?” he asked despondently.

In reply, Asami turned to the statue across the bar. “Aaaand that’s it for _Tacos with Mako_ , thanks for tuning in and we'll see you next time!” She pressed a button on her phone and started to sprint away, Mako following in pursuit.

“COUSIN. WE REQUEST YOUR PRESENCE FOR LIGHT-HEARTED SMALL-TALK.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys. Been dealing with personal stuff. Also this specific idea ended up running long and meandering in a direction I didn't expect it to go. Much like this housewarming in general, I imagine.
> 
> Suffice to say, I didn't think Eska and Desna were going to be in this story until I started writing the chat. Which, by the way, is largely inspired by twitch.tv. And yes, everyone in the chat is an established character from LoK.


	8. Tumbleweeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eska and Desna came to party.

Living Room #1 appeared to be, for all intents and purposes, the prelude to a battle. A battle of extremely forced banter and awkwardness.

On the main couch sat Korra, Asami, Bolin, Opal, and Mako. Asami’s arm was draped around Korra’s shoulder, which was extremely tense, to be expected. Mako had his phone out, face brows furrowed in concentration. Whether he was messing with his OKCupid profile, playing Angry Birds, or something else entirely, nobody could figure. Bolin looked like a jailed raven pidgeon awaiting judgement on whether it would be able to fly again. Opal was rubbing her boyfriend’s hand absent-mindedly, staring daggers across the room.

All five were a bit less sober than the situation warranted.

Across the table, Desna and Eska sat in two reclining chairs, faces impassive. Eska was holding a hastily-wrapped present in one hand (hastily-wrapped in this case means plastered with napkins from Chuck E. Cheese. Bolin didn’t know which was more horrifying, the idea that Eska spent time at a children’s restaurant or the idea of her raiding the establishment in search of wrapping material) and a bottle of moderately expensive champagne in the other. Atop her head was brightly striped birthday hat, position perfectly vertical.

Desna wore an exact duplicate of the hat upon his head as well, along with a pair of novelty glasses attached to a large red plastic nose and mustache. He held in his right hand a cluster of colorful balloons with messages on it like “Get Well Soon”, “I Wub You”, and “It’s a boy!”

They had been sitting in silence for a full five minutes.

Bolin coughed nervously. The grandfather clock ticked and tocked from a few rooms away, getting louder as the situation got more awkward.

“Your living arrangement is tolerable.” Desna started, the fingers of his left hand tapping idly at the armrest like a B-Mover villain. “Who is responsible for the decoration of this room.”

Eyes scanned the red-and-black-clad room before resting back on the Northern Water Tribe twins. A tumbleweed rolled past the opening that used to be the front door.

“Sooooo, how have you been?” Asami asked, side-stepping from one awkward conversation thread to another.

Tick. Tock.

Eska turned a glance to her cousin. “Korra, I have been informed that one of your lackeys has torched sugar cuisine. This pleases me and I would like to consume the remains.”

Korra crinkled her nose. “Do you enjoy making everything sound like murder?”

“Murder is not fun, cousin.” Desna’s eyes narrowed. “It is a responsibility.”

Opal coughed a small laugh. Everyone turned to look at her. She stared at her friends and the twins sheepishly. “What?” she asked. “It was funny. Wait, was that a joke or were you being serious?”

The mustached twin nodded sagely. “Finally. Someone who understands.”

“What does that even mean?!” Korra blurted out.

“Nobody knows what it means,” murmured Mako, eyes still transfixed on his phone. “It’s provocative.”

“Ha,” monotoned Eska. “That was a song reference.”

Tick. Tock.

“Yeah, I’ll go get the creme brulee,” Bolin said as he stood up and started powerwalking towards the kitchen.

“So,” Eska spoke towards Opal, “how is my feeble turtleduck doing?”

Opal steeled her gaze. “Oh, he’s almost done recovering from the last time we uh… chilled.”

The Krew involuntarily shuddered at the thought. Flashbacks of a karaoke night gone awry filled their brains, specifically the memory of Eska deadpanning the entirety of the Cup Song (When I’m Gone) while staring unblinking at Bolin. She threw a cup at him afterwards.

“Oh right,” Asami said, eyes brightening in remembrance, “Korra the karaoke machine came in today-”

“Iiiiis what you would say when the karaoke machine DOES show up, right Asami?” finished Korra with gritted teeth. She elbowed her girlfriend to emphasize her point.

“No need to worry, cousin Korra. I will not be blessing you with my fabulous singing voice tonight.” Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. Eska looked at Opal. “Laugh at my humorous quip.”

Opal chuckled half-heartedly.

Eska stood up and approached the table, placing the Chuck E. Cheese napkinned box down.

“We brought you a present. You will open it and be thankful,” Desna commanded. Korra hesitantly grabbed at the present before being intercepted by Asami.

The CEO shook the box next to her ear, frowning in concern. “It’s not a bomb,” she concluded.

A rare and somewhat demonic smile crept onto Eska’s face. “They do not sell explosives at Wal-Mart. A consolation offering was chosen.”

Bolin had returned with a tray of Mako’s dessert while Korra carefully unwrapped the present with the atmosphere of someone from the RCPD Bomb Squad. Opal stood about two yards away, by the television. Bolin’s hands were covering his mouth in probable horror. Mako cursed at his phone. With a deep breath, Korra lifted the cover of the box. Her eyes widened.

“This is…” she started.

“A monstrosity?” Opal guessed.

“More Chuck E. Cheese Napkins?” Mako ventured.

“Mako’s scarf?” Bolin recommended, earning a chuckle from his girlfriend.

“No,” Korra replied, shaking her head. She lifted the present out of the box.

“Is that the Parks and Rec box set?!” Opal gasped.

Korra nodded numbly. “Seasons one through five. With deleted scenes, commentary, bloopers… the whole shebang.” (“Hehe, she bangs,” Asami mutters under her breath.)

The Krew looked at Eska and Desna with disbelief.

“I find the character of April Ludgate to be highly amusing,” Eska explained.

“Aubrey Plaza? But she’s so monot-oh,” Bolin commented. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

Korra shook her head once more, then did something she never thought she’d ever do - she went to give her cousins a hug. “Thanks guys,” she said. “I love it.”

“As much as I long for interpersonal bonding moments,” Desna said from inside the embrace, “I’m afraid I must ask for directions to a restroom.”

The Avatar separated from the twins. “Yeah, of course. The closest one is down the hall on the right.”

“Is there a bathtub?”

“What?”

“Nevermind,” Desna replied, walking away. He let go of his balloons nonchalantly and they rose to hit the ceiling. As he made his leave, a loud groan could be heard from the stairs.

Everyone turned at the noise and saw a slightly disheveled Meelo rubbing at his eyes. “You cretins!” he yawned. “You need to keep it down or I won’t be able to sleep!”

“So you slept through the destruction of the front door, but awkward banter woke you up?” Mako questioned, finally looking up from his phone.

The airbender jumped the final four steps of stairs and was very quickly standing on the couch, nose nearly touching Mako’s. “The destruction of buildings was my lullaby, sharkbrows,” Meelo stated. “Awkward banter, on the other hand,” he said, looking around the room at everyone, “is unnatural and must be eviscerated.”

“Your vocabulary is unnatural, young child,” Eska stated.

Meelo glanced at Korra’s cousin. “Your POSTURE is unnatural, weird lady.”

“Your head has more humps than a camel toad,” countered Eska.

The two stared at each other for several seconds. The nonparticipants looked from one to another, wondering what was about to go down. Finally, Meelo smiled.

“You’re okay, missy,” he said. “Wanna watch me play Grand Theft Auto?”

Eska’s face did not change expression. “Car theft is a crime, little one. Not a game.”

Meelo groaned. He walked up to Eska, grabbed her hand and started towards the stairs. “No, stupid. It’s a video game. You can steal cars, blow stuff up, and run over people on the sidewalk.”

“This sounds unnecessarily violent and gratuitous,” the waterbender replied, walking up the stairs. “Can two people play?”

And the unlikely friends were gone. Bolin sighed with relief, mouth full of creme brulee out of nervousness and hunger.

“So,” Asami said. “That was a thing.”

“I feel like leaving those two to their own devices might be a bad idea,” Mako commented. “We should probably check up on them.”

“OOOOOOOOOR we could get some fresh air,” Opal suggested.

“My vote’s on fresh air,” Korra agreed.

The five opened the door to the backyard and stepped onto the patio. Bolin looked up at the roof holes and took a deep breath. Then took another deep breath. “Guys, do you smell…”

Mako and Asami nodded their heads. “I smell it too,” Mako murmured.

The sound of laughter interrupted the nasal investigation. Curious, Korra strolled towards the noise, which came from behind the patio bar. “What the fuck. I mean. What the fuck.”

Tenzin, Pema and Suyin stood up slowly. They squinted at the younger adults staring slackjawed. Suddenly Pema coughed, smoke was released from her mouth as she did so.

The Krew’s eyes widened in realization.

“I can explain,” Tenzin started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This also did not go as I originally planned. Which frustrates me to some degree, but on the plus side I'm unintentionally coming up with more ideas for this party!
> 
> Also, I do not ship Eska/Meelo. I'm not intending on shipping Eska/Meelo. I just feel their personalities are of complementing craziness.
> 
> Also also, I apologize for the lack of funny in this chapter.


	9. Come Sail Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The adults do adult things.
> 
> Also, HOLY SHIT 100 KUDOS. You guys are fucking great.

“You know,” Pema said looking down at the water, “I don’t think I’ve appreciated how great this koi pond bridge is.”

Tenzin, his wife, and Su had taken to standing on the bridge, sipping their sobriety-reducing lubricant of choice.

Su took another sip of wine. “Yeah. I started coming here to avoid awkward situations earlier, but after like the third time I’m amazed at the design of it all.”

Tenzin grunted in response, eyeing the koi fish warily. Su laughed at the verbal outburst.

“Oh right, I forgot. You’ve got that…” Su waved her free hand in the air noncommitedly, “ _thing_ with fish.”

Pema’s head snapped up. “You’ve got a thing about fish?” she asked, glancing between Tenzin and Suyin confused.

The metalbender’s eyes brightened. “Oh-ho-ho, Ten, you haven’t told her?”

Tenzin turned a delicate shade of red. “It’s a time of my life I’d rather not remember. I’m surprised _you_ remember, to be honest.”

A smirk. “We’re not all lightweights like you, twinkletoes,” Su shot back lightheartedly.

Pema laughed in response. “Lightweight? You do a lot of drinking in college, Tenzin?” she teased.

If Su’s eyes could get any brighter, people might have mistaken her as a Firebender. “You’re a secretive one aren’t you, Mr. Tenzin?” she chuckled and reached into her clutch.

“What do you mea-” the Air Acolyte sputtered, looking at what the Beifong had pulled out. A clear plastic bag, filled with what clearly wasn’t oregano. She looked sharply at Tenzin.

He was quickly looking back down at the koi fish, very eager to avert the gaze of his wife.

“Is that? DId you? When did? How could?” The start of a million questions entered her head.

Suyin put the bag back into her clutch. “You can’t be _that_ surprised.” She started counting off on her fingers. "He’s a pacifist. He’s vegetarian. He’s got full-body tattoos. He meditates… by _choice_. He’s a politician. And his father is probably the most famous person to ever person.” Su grinned. “Of _course_ he smokes.”

“Used to smoke,” corrected Tenzin, eyes still on the large fish circling the pond.

“Pssh, yeah you used to smoke. You still do, but you used to, too.”

Pema was still sorting through the questions that popped into her head upon appearance of The Baggie. It may or may not have been a mental malfunction when she voiced the most prominent one in her mind.

“Was that OG Kush?” Pema asked. Su’s grin increased to near-demonic levels. She opened her mouth to answer but was suddenly interrupted.

“Smokey Tokey Boom Boom, man,” Tenzin clarified. He was finally looking everyone in the eye, the drink in his hand empty. “I didn’t know you still grew.”

“Please, Ten,” Su said slyly, walking off the bridge. “I’m the matriarch of my own city. Of course I still grow.” She stopped about five yards away. “You lovebirds gonna join me outside or what?”

Tenzin sighed, and followed along. Pema, slightly dumbstruck at the idea of getting _high_ with her _husband_ watched the two walking towards the backyard for several seconds before letting out a “Hey, wait for me!”

* * *

“Well, that was weird,” Su breathed out, a smattering of smoke expelled from her lungs.

“They were just _sitting there_ ,” Pema agreed. She reached for the joint with her free hand. The other was holding a glass bottle of cider from behind the bar. “Those twins seem like the most awkward people in the world.” The woman took a drag of the joint and coughed immediately. She looked at the rolled paper with wonder. “Holy shit, that is STRONG.”

“Hey Ten, do something about that, will ya?” Su said, a lazy grin forming on her face.

Tenzin closed his eyes and took a breath. With a few subtle hand movements, the air cooled and became a lot more silent.

“What did you-” Pema took another hit, “do?” She blew out smoke, and watched as the smoke hit some sort of barrier.

Su giggled like a schoolgirl. “Ol’ boy Tenzin here was a bonafide portable hotbox back in the day,” she explained. Tenzin’s eyes remained closed, and a grin crept onto his face as well. “You weren’t blazin’ unless you were with Tenzin. Also, puff puff pass, girly.”

“That didn’t rhyme thirty years ago, and it doesn’t rhyme now,” the airbender said calmly, eyes slowly opening. Then he snorted, which grew into an uncharacteristic giggle as he took the joint. “It’s true though.”

“So tell me about this irrational fear of koi fish,” Pema said, breathing in a lungful of “air”. “Hehe, koi fish. Are koi fish coy?”

“Not the ones that our favorite monk here experienced while on vacation once,” Su elaborated, glancing over at Tenzin taking a deep hit. “He was on break from working on his master’s degree with his siblings, me and Lin when it happened.”

Pema squinted out of skepticism and the increased difficulty of seeing the Beifong through the smokey air dome. “So Lin knows about this?”

Tenzin hacked a cough, his face turning red. “No,” he coughed, “and she never will.”

“Yeah, word gets back to her we’ll have to kill you,” Su noted in a low, menacing voice. The benders looked down at Pema with intense glares, before breaking out into uninhibited laughter.

“Daaamn,” Tenzin said, a freeflowing and carefree tone in his voice. “We got you gooood, hun.”

“But seriously, don’t tell Lin,” Su choked out between chortles.

“Koi fish,” Pema reminded the two.

“Right,” Tenzin said. “Vacation at Kyoshi Island. Lin was a detective at the time and had to do some paperwork or some shit one day-”

“So we snuck out and burned a few one night,” Su continued, ashing the joint she received from Tenzin.

“Stayed up all night,” the monk said, picking up the thread of the story from his childhood friend. “Bumi serenaded us with his acoustic guitar. We drank a lot.”

“Had to if we wanted to get through his fifteenth performance of Hotel California,” Su snorted.

“ _On a dank dessert Aiwei, Cool Whip in the air_ ,” Tenzin crooned in a respectable impression of his brother. Su snorted again and took a drag.

“That sounds horrible,” chuckled Pema.

“It really wasn’t that bad,” Suyin replied. “Just not as great after repeated listens.”

“We were relaxing on the beach as the sun came up,” Tenzin continued, eyes glazed over in remembrance (okay, in being extremely high). “The elephant koi had come into the shallow water of the bay, and I figured I should ride one.”

“His exact words,” Su corrected, “were _‘Check this, motherfuckers. I’ma go ride me an elephant koi.’_ ” She smiled at the memory. “And so he made an air scooter and departed.”

“Lemme guess,” Pema pondered, a finger tapping her chin. “He fell off immediately. Sorry Ten.”

Tenzin scowled. The dome shimmered slightly from the break in concentration, and a little smoke escaped. “Give me more credit than that,” he countered embarrassingly. “I never fell off. Not even once.”

Su had not stopped laughing. “He didn’t,” she gasped, “because he couldn’t get off.”

“Giggity,” giggled Pema, joint in hand.

The woman from Zaofu had escalated her laughter to cackles. “He was stuck on that elephant koi for THREE HOURS.”

“Two hours and thirty minutes,” Tenzin he muttered crossly, though his face was far from cross.

“Long enough,” Su said between breaths, “for Bumi to learn a new song on his acoustic.”

“Which song?” Pema asked.

Suyin looked at Tenzin, who sighed and put his Bumi voice back on. “ _Iiiiiiiiiii’m, sailing away… chart an open course for the virgin seaaaaa…_ ”

The three broke into unabashed laughter at the imitation when suddenly…

**“What the fuck. I mean. What the fuck.”**

The laughter stopped and Su turned quickly towards Tenzin. Tenzin nodded, and turned to his wife.

“Take a deep breath,” he whispered quickly, hands moving in bending motions once again. “You’re welcome and I’m sorry.”

“What do you me-ah”, Pema was interrupted by a steady stream of air blowing all the smoke, ALL the smoke into her lungs. She shut her mouth at once and understood immediately.

The three slowly stood up and saw Korra, Opal, Bolin, Mako, and Asami staring at them mouths agape. Well shit, thought Su.

The absurdity of it all had piled onto Pema. She couldn’t hold it in anymore. The woman coughed and exhaled a great deal of smoke.

“I can explain,” Tenzin started.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now sincerely entertaining the idea of another series in this Dorkaverse centered on the college years of the children of Team Avatar. This influx of random ideas while trying to stick to a plan is getting out of control.


	10. Rides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's fashionably late and there's unfashionably late.
> 
> Then a few miles out, there's Varrick late.

“Zhu-Li, you can’t just say NOTHING the whole car ride,” Iknik muttered. They were very much unfashionably late at this point, and had a lot of ground to cover. Ever since The Argument, his wife had been unnaturally silent, even while getting his hair combed. After a metric fuckton of silence, the two had finally set course for the Sato house. Zhu-Li was, inexplicably, fuming. And driving. So that was a thing.

“I can and will say whatever I want, sir,” she replied, eyes not leaving the road.

Varrick groaned. Great. He had reached THAT level of Zhu-Li Moon Anger Levels™. Upon finally admitting their love for one another and getting married, Varrick had discovered that she would only use “Sir” in three cases.

  1. They were at work. Have to keep up pretenses, which he understood.

  2. She was extremely angry. In all other cases she’d say “Dear,” which Varrick enjoyed a lot.

  3. She was extremely horny. Which in turn made him horny.




Through logical deduction, Iknik had settled on #2. Clearly they weren’t at work, and he was fairly certain she wasn’t itching for a mustache ride. So she was mad.

“Look, I can understand why you’re angry,” he started. “But it’s okay to be wrong someti-” there was a sudden applying of the brakes and Varrick’s head slammed into the dash. “Dammit Zhu-Li, watch the road!”

Zhu-Li turned to stare at her husband, knowing fully that she had harshly stopped on purpose and that Iknik never wore a seatbelt (“Precautions are for pussies!” he had said once, before breaking his arm testing an instant parachute). “This isn’t about being wrong or right, sir,” she sighed. “It’s that you wouldn’t see my point of view as being anything but incorrect.”

“Well I was right!” he shouted, arms flailing in astonishment. “The dress was black and blue, and I-”

“You didn’t even for a second consider maybe listening to my reasoning on why I believed it was white and gold,” she finished. The light turned green and Zhu-Li started driving again.

“I don’t bother with absorbing information that I know is WRONG, honey. You know this.” Varrick’s brows furrowed in frustration. “I block that shit out all the time. You’re not a special case.”

Zhu-Li’s eyebrow arched up. “I’m not special?” she echoed.

Varrick paled. “No no, I mean, of COURSE you’re special!” he sputtered. “I don’t marry any ol’ shmoe.” The mogul hoped his wife didn’t remember the several instances where he nearly got married due to business decisions or legal obligations. He sighed inwardly knowing she would remember and be able to name each person, the day they were to be betrothed, and the excuse he had made to get out of it (mostly because she was the one to make up the excuse). “What I mean is I don’t just, you know, do the thing to spite you. It’s just how I operate.”

“It’s been how many years since we’ve gotten married? And you don’t treat me any different than any other lackey under your payroll,” she countered hands gripping the wheel of the Satomobile tightly.

Varrick pondered that a moment. “But I mean, you are TECHNICALLY on my payroll…”

“WE’RE PARTNERS, SIR!” Zhu-Li shouted, startling Iknik.

“Still on payroll,” he replied meekly, earning him a slap to the back of the head. “Oww! What the hell?!”

“I cannot believe you, Iknik,” Zhu-Li spat, making a sharp left turn that drove Varrick’s head into her shoulder. “Unable to admit that you’re wrong, that you’re hardheaded, and even bringing our friends, our FRIENDS into this!”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal,” he groaned, holding his head

“Exactly, sir! It wasn’t a big deal! Yet you bring in all your business partners, the fucking AVATAR, half the RCPD, a politician, and a mover star into the argument.”

A cough. “Hey, if you guys need time alone, I can just walk the rest of the-”

“SHUT UP TAHNO,” Zhu-Li and Varrick barked towards the back seat.

“This party better be worth it,” Tahno muttered to himself.

* * *

Varrick pressed a few buttons on the center console once they reached a complete stop. The speakers came to life with the sound of the chorus of Call Me Maybe. After three iterations of the annoying tone, someone on the other line picked up.

“Yeeeeeello, Wu speaking.”

“Wu,” Varrick spoke, “It’s Varrick. We’re here. Get your ass in gear.”

“Dude, turn back while you still ca-” Tahno spoke up, before being interrupted.

“Hey, how’d you get on my secure line?” Varrick (fakely) accused. “Wu, get in here quick, I think someone’s out for vengeance on you or something.” He turned back to give a slap to Tahno.

“Oh? Oooooh. Right. I’ll be right out.” Wu hung up and Varrick glared at his passenger.

“You shut your trap, Tahno,” he said, jabbing a finger into Tahno’s chest. “We’re going to have a good time, and you’re going to LIKE it!”

There was a knock on the window. With a gesture to his wife, the passenger door was unlocked and opened.

“Hey guuuuys,” greeted Wu, decked in a purple suit with a frilled-collared shirt. “How’s it goin’? Oh Tahno, sweeeeeet. This party gonna be kickin’ huh? Right? Guys?”

Tahno had his head in his hands. “You shouldn’t have come,” he murmured.

“Whaddaya mean?” Wu asked, glancing at everyone with suspicious eyes.

“Hey Wu,” Varrick said from the front. “Question: Is this dress blue and black or white and gold?”

* * *

They pulled up to the Sato house yelling and screaming.

“THAT ISN’T EVEN A VALID ANSWER,” Varrick shouted. “YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS TO CHOOSE FROM, WU.”

“HE’S ALLOWED HIS OPINION, SIR,” countered Zhu-Li.

“BLUE AND GOLD IS NOT AN OPINION!”

“Well it’s not black and blue, that’s for sure,” Tahno muttered.

“YOU,” Varrick growled, turning in his seat and glaring, “YOU CAN GET OUT RIGHT NOW.”

“FINE!” Tahno yelled back, opening the door. “WE’RE HERE ANYWAYS.”

“I hate to interrupt,” Wu said quietly, “but is the door supposed to be half-destroyed with ice?”

The four silenced their argument as they turned to look. The front entrance was indeed broken down, with ice trails leading to the door. Zhu-Li and Varrick glanced at each other.

“You don’t think-” Varrick began, looking at the picture of the dress on his phone.

Zhu-Li nodded. “It’s a possibility.”

“What, you brought THEM into this too?!” Tahno exclaimed. He could walk home. That was entirely within his ability.

“Either that or it’s a ROCKIN’ party,” Wu decided, even though he was the one to worryingly point out the door moments earlier. He opened his door and stepped out. “And it ain’t a party until it’s a Wu Party!”

“Wu, please,” Varrick said, hand to his forehead in frustration. “Stop trying to make Wu Party happen. It’s not going to happen.”

“We should check to see if everyone’s okay,” Zhu-Li mentioned with concern. She turned off the vehicle and stepped into the night air.

“Well of COURSE we should do the thing, why wouldn’t we do the thing?” Varrick left the vehicle as well, and looked out onto the mansion. “Pretty nice digs though, aside from the thing.”

Outside the vehicle, Varrick dialed Bolin’s number.

_“Varrick, hey. Hey Varrick. Vaaaaarrick, wassuuuuup?”_

“Bolin, 1999 called. They want their catchphrase back.”

_“It doesn’t matter if they want their catchphrase back!”_

“Right. Anyways, we’re outside the door with Tahno and Wu. Is the door supposed to be knocked over?”

_“Oh right. Yeah, long story. Anyways, we’re in the backyard. Go through the hall into the living room, door on the right.”_

“Roger that mi amigo, we’ll be in inna sec.” he hung up. “Well,” he said to the group, “they’re in the backyard, so everything SEEMS like it’s okay, aside from Bolin being really REALLY drunk.”

As if on cue, the four could hear shouting coming from the backyard area. That they could hear in the front lawn was a sign of things to come. Then, aside from the general noise of yelling, they could clearly hear Korra shout:

**“NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”**

The four stared at each other yet again.

“We should probably check on them,” Zhu-Li said.

“Fuck that, let’s get outta-ow!” Varrick rubbed his shoulder where his wife had punched him.

“What have I gotten myself into?” Tahno sighed.

“Wooooo! Wu Party is a go!” Wu yelled, running into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a dick would wait several chapters for you to find out why Korra is yelling at Bolin.
> 
> Which I guess makes me a dick.


	11. References

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kai is a bad influence.

A bright blue figure appeared briefly in the kitchen, glancing around before dissipating.

It appeared again above the glass ceiling of the koi pond bridge, observing three adults walking away quite speedily. The figure disappeared as if to avoid its phantom skin feeling the cold air.

Finally it watched seven figures sitting awkwardly in the living room, shaking its head at the awkwardness.

Jinora opened her eyes and turned to her boyfriend Kai, who had his attention split between the meditating teen and the tablet in his hand. As she stirred, his focus shifted fully to Jinora.

“Coast is clear,” she grinned. “Autobots, roll out!”

Kai smirked and grabbed Jinora’s hand as they quickly descended the stairs. Kai was taken aback when he saw the entirety of Team Avatar sitting on the couch, but their attention was entirely focused on the twins sitting across them. He thought he could hear the droning clicks of a grandfather clock somewhere, but Kai couldn’t be sure.

Out of view from the living room, the two sprinted with airbending assistance across the gorgeous koi pond bridge and found themselves at their destination: the kitchen and bar.

“What recipes have you pulled up?” Jinora asked, looking through the wares of the liquor cabinet.

Kai pulled out the tablet and began scrolling. “Where’d it go, where’d it go…” He stopped. “There we go. Tequila Sunshine.”

Jinora’s eyebrow arched. “You mean Tequila Sunrise?”

“Nope,” Kai replied with a dopey grin. “Although it looks like a modification of it. The author, um… apnsb, advises to do some nifty things with jalapenos to give it an extra kick. Calls it a slow burn.”

Jinora crinkled her nose. “Spicy’s not my thing. I’m figuratively dead after spicy foods.”

“Luckily it’s a drink,” the teenaged boy pointed out, a hopeful smile on his face.

The airbending master considered it, then nodded. “Fine. But if I do die, you’d better figure out how to live with a ghost, because I will haunt you. Forever. Until the end of time. Eternity.”

“You ever notice you say the same thing in three different ways? Three interpretations of the same thought? One statement said thrice?”

“Shut up and gimme the instructions,” Jinora snorted. Somewhere in the living room, Korra’s nose twitched.

The two airbenders had gathered and started mixing the tequila, orange juice, pomegranate juice, peppers, and various other ingredients when they heard singing coming towards the kitchen.

“Quick, duck!”

“Ducktales, awoo-hoo-”

“Shut up!”

_“It’s such a gorgeous sight, to see you eat in the middle of the night, something something something something, FRIDAY, I’M IN LOVE!”_

“It’s Bolin,” Kai whispered.

“No shit Sherlock,” Jinora hissed back.

The singing stopped.

Dammit, Kai thought, as he heard slow steps approaching the bar.

“Oh lucky day,” Bolin said very loudly, “some random person has left a partially mixed drink here on the counter. I guess since nobody is here it’d be okay if I just drank…”

“Stop!” shouted Kai, as he stood up from behind the counter. “Fine, you caught us, alright?”

Jinora slowly rose as well, her cheeks red from embarrassment (and not from being drunk, as she had hoped).

The earthbender gasped dramatically. “You two?! Underaged drinkers? I should’ve known. You two are nothing but trouble.”

Kai, who hadn’t caught on to what was clearly sarcasm, was indignant. “Like YOU’RE the perfect picture of model behavior!”

“Could you repeat that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of _illegal consumption of alcohol_. Which is bad. Mmkay?”

Alright, Jinora was having fun with watching her boyfriend flounder, but time was not on their side. Time for some conflict resolution. “Kai, he’s joking. Look at his face.”

Kai, in a huff, looked at the man he considered a brother closely. The angry face on the mover star’s face cracked a little, then suddenly a wide grin.

“Hooooooly shit,” Bolin gasped between breaths, “you actually believed me?! I’m either a great actor or you just suck at reading people.”

“I can’t say it’s the former,” Jinora smirked. “Sorry Kai. I should have said something sooner.”

The male airbender sighed, and started scrolling through his tablet again in embarrassment. “So you’re not going to tell anyone? We’re out of the woods?”

Bolin winked. “Consider it an act of kindness. And besides,” he said, grabbing the tray of creme brulee from the side of the counter, “it’s not like everyone else at this party hasn’t drank illegally before.”

“That makes sense,” Kai murmured. “But everyone? Like, you and Korra and Asami, I can understand. But _Mako_? Drinking in his teens? I don’t see it.”

A spoonful of dessert halted halfway into Bolin’s mouth. “Oh, I could tell you stories,” he spoke through a spoon. “Spontaneous night drives and leftovers, that time he was caught staring on the train. Oh the nights we had…”

Bolin’s voice trailed away as he walked back into the living room.

“Whew, that could have been bad,” Jinora let out with a sigh.

“I dunno. I kinda liked the rush of being caught.”

“Phrasing.”

“I stand by what I said.”

“Kai. Seriously.”

“I mean, everyone else is occupied…”

“Aaaaaand shifting gears…”

* * *

“Oh man. That drink is tasty. Delicious. Scrumptious.”

“You’re welcome. Told you it’d be fantastic, even with the jalapenos.”

“Shut your face before I kiss it.”

“My girlfriend is drunk, whatever will I do?”

“I will kill you in the face with this glass.”

“Haha, you said kill.”

“Did I fucking stutter?”

“Umm… what?”

“I said, did I fucking stutter?”

“What?!”

“What does Marcellus Wallace look like?”

“WHAT?!”

“SAY WHAT AGAIN.”

“Jinora I don’t-”

“Fucking A, Kai, you haven’t watched Pulp Fiction?”

“I umm… no?”

“Woof.”

“What?”

“Oh right, you aren’t in a Facebook chat with Naga.”

“...Naga has a Facebook?”

“Long story.”

“I’m so confused.”

“Gimme your tablet so we can watch this shi-”

 

**“NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”**

 

“I’m too sober for this shit,” Jinora sighed, taking another swig of her Tequila Sunshine.

“We should probably get out there,” Kai suggested. Jinora shrugged in response.

“Fuck that, let’s drink some more.”

“I’m not sure I like you when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not sure I like you when I’m drunk either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super long delay along with the super short chapter! I've been unnaturally busy.
> 
> Anyways, there are no less than 14 references in this fic.
> 
> And in other other news, the reason I've been busy: I'm in a local production of RENT! If by some strange luck you're in the Denton, TX area, you should come out and see it at the Campus Theatre! It's fantastic and the entire cast is talented as fuck. The last stretch of shows starts 04/16-04/19. Look for the Asian, I'm hard to miss.
> 
> Next chapter should be tomorrow, sorry again for the wait!


	12. Update: I'M NOT DEAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, several things.
> 
> 1\. I'm not dead! I've just been really really busy. RENT finished a few weeks ago, then I hit a post-show funk that left me completely drained. Then birthdays. I shake my fist at parents that decided to do the do nine months and many years ago.  
> 2\. I've totally hit a writer's block. I mean, I know what I want to happen, I just can't write. I've tried.  
> 3\. I've kinda been writing the next bunch of chapters concurrently. There are a lot of gears and things in motion that have to fit together just right narratively so I jump to and fro.  
> 4\. I miss you guys. So I'm posting this little preview.
> 
> Now about the preview, these are brief excerpts from the next, um, eight-ish or so chapters. Non-chronological. No context given. Just a little something something as a sign of life and that I have not forgotten this fic. Not by a long shot.

"I can see all the wrong in the world," Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. "And I can fix it."

* * *

"Hey Mako, you've um.... got a match on OKCupid."

"I do? Do I?!" the firebender replied incredulously. Then he paled. "Wait, how did you get my phone? Again?!"

* * *

Eska looked down at the young airbender with pity, then looked up, an unnatural fire in her eyes. "Do not fret, little potato-headed one," she deadpanned while tightening her grip. "You will be avenged."

* * *

Pabu leapt out the open window and scurried toward the building. His large white-haired friend must be here somewhere.

* * *

Lin moved her palm to her forehead for what must’ve been the fifteenth time today. “I leave you guys for an hour,” she started, hand unmoving from her head, “and THIS happens?!”

Korra chuckled nervously. “Um… it was Bolin’s fault.”

The earthbender glanced around at the sound of his name. “Whuzza?” he slurred. “Oh, right, yeah! T-t-totally Sozin’s fault!” He leaned in towards Chief Beifong. “You should like, arrest him,” he whispered conspiratorially.

* * *

“Ugh, everyone’s doing something fun without me!” Ikki whined to nobody in particular. Silence answered her. “Fine. I’ll find something fun to do BY MYSELF!”

* * *

“THIS is true beauty,” Huan finished.

“Oh? I thought it was a TV.”

“WAS a TV, yes,” the artist clarified.

* * *

“Do you think we should have let him have something to drink?” Asami asked.

Korra looked confused. “Who? Wu?”

“WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“No,” Asami replied sarcastically. “Pabu.”

* * *

“Never have I ever kissed someone of the same sex on the lips that wasn’t like, a parent or something.”

Four of the group lowered a finger.

“BOLIN?!”

“OPAL?!”

* * *

“You can’t be afraid to mix it up sometimes,” the raven-haired figure announced, as she put on a thick leather and metal glove which crackled with electricity.

“Oh fuck.”


	13. The Mind Huanders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avatar: The Journey of Huan, coming to a Netflix near you.
> 
> I'm not ashamed of the puns. Fight me.

“You know,” Wing said, looking down at the water, “I don’t think I’ve appreciated how great this koi pond bridge is.”

Wing, Wei and Huan had taken to standing on the bridge, sipping their sobriety-reducing lubricant of choice. Well, two of them at least.

Huan took a sip of his wheat-grass shake. “Yeah, you know you sounded like mom just there, right?”

Wei grunted. “Shut up, weirdo. Like mom would ever say that.”

“Mom would of course be taken in by this…” Huan trailed off in thought. “Superficial beauty.”

The twins looked at each other incredulously. “That doesn’t even make sense. It’s a koi fish pond. There’s nothing BUT superficial beauty.”

“Maybe to your plebian mind.”

“Oh what, you’re gaining some insight into the inner turmoil of the fish, fishbender?”

“Which one of you said that?” Huan questioned without turning. “I’ve got some metal to slap you with.”

“Yeah, you know you sounded like mom just there, right?”

“Har dee har,” Huan replied snidely. “Using my own words mockingly. What grade are you in, middle school?”

Wing snorted (Korra’s nose, somewhere, twitched). “Oh right I forgot, we’re not good enough for your brand of humor. Not like your hundreds of tumblr followers, right?”

Huan turned to glare at his brothers, eyes narrow. “I will have you know, my THOUSANDS of tumblr followers are all enlightened individuals with truer hearts than you-”

“That reblog the same jif of a fire ferret jumping in fear of its owner.”

“Gif, Wei.”

“Jif, Wing.”

“GIF!”

“Fuck this, I’m out,” Huan sighed, walking away. His aura of annoyance was almost visibly radiating.

“Thousands of tumblr followers?” Wei asked.

Wing nodded. “It’s like sixty-thousand something.”

Wei’s jaw dropped. “Holy mother of a badgermole.”

“He’s actually got some good shit going on there,” Wing murmured quietly, sipping at his drink. “Damn, empty.”

The other brother looked into the water, contemplating. Then turned his head sharply. “Wait, YOU follow him on tumblr?”

A cheesy grin. “Check your privilege, shitlord.”

“Ugh, sometimes I can’t stand you,” muttered Wei.

Wing’s grin grew wider. “Sometimes?”

“Fuck a duck, Wing. Let’s get more alcohol.”

“I dunno, this koi pond bridge is actually really-”

“IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE,” Wei shouted. “IT WAS NEVER FUNNY IN THE FIRST PLACE. STOP TRYING TO MAKE THE KOI POND BRIDGE HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.”

“You just quoted Mean Girls and you’re getting on me for using Tumblr?”

“Lindsay Lohan was hot back then, okay?”

* * *

In the corner of the video game room, far from the sound of destructive video games and Meelo’s snoring, Ikki looked at Huan expectantly.

Huan looked at the computer monitor, brow furrowed in thought.

Ikki looked at the monitor. Then she looked back at Huan.

Huan continued staring at the screen.

“Well?” she asked finally, the silence getting to her.

Huan turned to the girl. “There’s a saying that an image can capture the essence of the soul,” he started. “And in that, this piece is intriguing. For the soul can sometimes be at war with itself. The left and right brain are in constant conflict, and I believe that this is an excellent representation of the fight. It would be divisive, sure. But in it we can see and discover more about ourselves than even the ever-faithful mirror. It’s an excellent abstraction of human nature. I approve.” He closed his eyes with finality, as if the discussion were over.

Ikki nodded. “I have no idea what you just said.”

His eyes opened back up and he turned to his student. “The answer lies within you, young artist.”

Ikki’s mouth opened and closed several times in confusion. She looked at Huan, then the computer. Then back to Huan. “Just answer the question!”

The metalbender sighed. “It’s white and gold.”

“NO IT’S NOT!” screeched the airbender girl. “IF YOU LOOK AT THE LIGHT PARTS, IT’S BLUE-ISH!”

Huan nodded sagely. “And therein lies the conflict of the self and-”

“Black and blue,” Ikki interrupted.

A pause. “If you would listen to your other-”

“Black and blue.”

The silence filled the air. “Ikki, I’m just-”

“Black and blue.”

…

“Black and blue.”

“Can we get back to playing Minecraft?” Huan sighed.

“I don’t WANT to play with you anymore. You leave the treetops floating in the air!” Ikki protested.

“They are a reminder that our actions against nature have a permanent effect on the world around us. If we could just see them as blatantly clear as the floating remains in our…” the man trailed off, glancing at Ikki with a raised eyebrow.

His gaze was returned by an angry glare.

“You’re too lazy to chop down the whole tree,” Ikki translated.

“It’s so far up,” he complained. A loud muffled crashing noise slightly shook the room.

“KORRA. MS. SATO. DESNA AND I COME BEARING GIFTS AND ALCOHOL.”

“Well that can’t be good.”

* * *

“Hey Ikki, where’s the restroom?” Huan figured it was time to reinvigorate his creativity.

Ikki turned around a few times, as if to get her bearings. (Interesting fact: she only did so because she wanted to spin around a lot.)“The only one I know of is downstairs in the hallway.”

The metalbender gave a quick nod and logged off of Minecraft. He made his way down the stairs and sees the Krew and the twins sitting awkwardly in the living room. Awkward, he thought. Huan walked away quickly into the hallway and, once in the restroom, pulls out and lights his ‘creativity.’

“Ah, that’s the ticket,” he exhaled, a plume of smoke exhuding from his lips.

Without preamble, the door opened. There stood Desna, visibly visible. He quickly walked in before realizing he wasn’t alone. The twin stared at the smoke dumbly.

Huan’s face turned a special ‘creative’ shade of red. “Idiot!” he whispered harshly. “Close the door quick!”

The door was closed quickly. Desna turned back toward his bathroom buddy.

“Huan,” the waterbender coughed, “what are you doing in here?”

The man took a drag and exhaled quickly. “I’m recentering my artistic chi.”

“Your artistic chi smells like marijuana.” Desna deadpanned.

“So it does” he exhales. “Want a hit?”

“No I do not,” Desna said, eyes narrow. He took a deep breath. “I do not partake in such illegal activities.”

Huan looks around at the smoky haze of the restroom. “You don’t say.”

* * *

“And then I said, ‘that’s not a spirit portal, that’s my sister!” Desna guffawed (or, what counts as a Twin guffaw) loudly.

“I don’t get it.”

“It’s a joke.”

“I KNOW it’s a joke, but you just started off with ‘And then I said’. You only said the… the..  what’s the word,” Huan snaps his fingers impatiently in thought, “punchline. There.”

“I have done an extensive study in humor through television shows and movies. And statistically this joke garners the most reaction from friends and family.” Desna nodded sagely.

“You don’t just… study humor. It’s an innate feeling. It’s just something you’re born with.”

Desna’s stare became vacant, as if deep in thought. “It’s art.”

“Yes!” The metalbender clapped his hands together. “That’s exactly it.”

“But…” Desna struggled with his words. “Didn’t you study art in Zaofu?”

Huan paled visibly. “Um, I mean… yeah, but that’s totally…”

“So you see,” the waterbender intoned, his arms rising toward the ceiling, “I have unlocked the purest understanding in the universe.”

Huan’s stare went from lost to quizzical. “I don’t think a rudimentary understanding of comedy-”

"I can see all the wrong in the world," Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. "And I can fix it."

Huan looked around the room bewilderingly. His eyes slightly focused on the water floating around in the air. “Where the fuck did this water come from?”

**“NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”**

“Well, that can’t be good,” Huan muttered.

“I can see all the wrong in the world,” Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. “And I can fix it.”

“I highly doubt that you…” Huan trailed off. “Wait, when did you sit back-”

“I can see all the wrong in the world,” Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. “And I can fix it.”

“You can’t just repeat that phrase over and-”

“I CAN SEE ALL THE WRONG IN THE WORLD, DESNA MURMURED. HE ROSE FROM HIS SITTING POSITION-”

“Why are you narrating your own dialo-”

“I CAN SEE ALL THE-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP DESNA!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, sorry for the delay again! I hope you enjoyed this chapter.
> 
> Anyways, I could make excuses about my promotion and whatnot, but I've also been poking around with a completely new story idea. A lot of world-building involved and that's taken up most of my time. I haven't even started on a chapter but I have literal spreadsheets of ideas.
> 
> Anyways, the next chapter will be titled "Grand Theft Sato".


	14. Grand Theft Sato

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get hectic in Republic City.

The streets of Republic City were bustling with an active nightlife. Tourists were flocking in droves to take pictures with the vine-wrapped Harmony Tower, a literal representation of the balance of spirituality and technology in the city. The residents who were more accustomed to the sight were more focused on the line at Narook’s, which stretched out for no less than 4 city blocks. Everyone in the city agreed that, inexplicably, that restaurant’s noodles were the best to ever be made in the history of anything ever of all time.

All in all, it was an uneventful evening.

Suddenly, there was a roar of engines accompanied by obnoxious car horns that sounded eerily like Take on Me by a-ha.

Over the hill, a sleek black Lamborghini flew over the crest, landing to a loud screech outside of Narook’s. A man in a horse-chicken mask and a black suit stepped out into the air, a machine gun in his hand.

“Eat shit and die, motherfuckers,” a surprisingly young voice yelled out, as the man opened fire into the line of civilians.

Several fell to the gunfire, and the crowd outside Narook’s descended into chaos. Screams and cries could be heard from throughout the block as many took to fleeing the scene. The horse-chicken-man continued to shoot into the sea of people, walking forward slowly to collect the money of the slain victims.

There was suddenly another vehicle speeding towards the scene, a black and red Satocycle with chrome wheels. The cycle’s monstrous engined fired on all cylinders as it sped toward’s Narook’s. A woman clad similarly to her vehicle, black and red, was piloting the Satocycle with a black-tinted helmet on her head.

The gunman turned his fire onto the new actress in the play of destruction, as the woman deftly dodged the incoming bullets. The horse-chicken-head began to panic, stepping backwards and away from the speeding cycle. This did little good, however, as the Satocycle came to a screeching, turning halt and collided with the man, knocking him to the ground.

The violent vixen got up from her seat and removed her helmet, allowing her improbably perfect hair to breathe. She turned her emerald eyes towards the assailant of Narook’s, and began walking towards him.

“You can’t be afraid to mix it up sometimes,” the raven-haired figure announced, as she put on a thick leather and metal glove which crackled with electricity.

“Oh fuck.”

And with a deadly jab, the man was electrocuted to a crisp, his smoking charred remains lying in a pile on the street.

The woman turned to look upon the sea of innocent civilians, who were clapping at the resolution of the whole affair.

She grinned, and charged into the crowd, shocking and knocking people out left and right, maniacal laughter filling the air.

_“Wait, why? You just saved them.”_

_“Because I can. And they have money.”_

_“These unfortunate bystanders did nothing wrong.”_

_“Well it’s not like they’re real anyways- hey! Gimme the controller back!”_

_“You would do well to show restraint, young one.”_

_“I said gimme the controller!”_

**Rockstar Games Presents…**

_“You are clearly drunk with power, dear child.”_

_“Shut up, vile woman!”_

**GRAND THEFT SATO**

* * *

 

_Earlier…_

“I can’t believe you’ve never played a video game before,” Meelo said incredulously, grabbing the game’s case and removing the disc from within.

Eska scoffed hautily. “My father groomed me to be next in line for the throne. I dealt not in petty distractions,” she said with an air of superiority.

As the young airbender placed the disc in the console’s tray, he commented, “Your father also turned into a huge spiritual behemoth that shot lasers from his chest.”

There was a pause. “So?”

At this, Meelo turned towards the waterbender, his eyes wide. “Woman, that’s like the DEFINITION of a video game boss.”

Eska looked thoughtfully at the loading screen. “Interesting,” she murmured. “So, is this laser behemoth a part of this Grand Theft Sato game?”

Meelo laughed. “No.. no, it’s Grand Theft Auto, not Grand Theft…” he too had now looked at the screen. “Oh.” The title screen had character approximations of every member of Team Avatar in various states of violence. “Well, this is different.”

Eska raised an eyebrow. “Is this not the game you wanted to show me?”

Meelo stared a few seconds longer. “This is it,” he started slowly, “but it’s different.”

Desna’s twin sighed. “So it’s a different game.”

“SAME BUT DIFFERENT!” Meelo yelled. He pressed the Start button and the game began loading. As the loading bar slowly progressed, the young airbender looked to be gathering his thoughts.

“Okay lady,” he said finally. “It’s like a MODIFIED version of the game. Like if you were to make shrimp balls but replace the shrimp with bacon.”

Eska thought about it for a moment. “And why would you do that?”

“Why wouldn’t you?!” Meelo exclaimed.

…

“Airbenders are vegetarian, correct?” Eska asked.

“Oh look, the game loaded.”

The airbender joined an online lobby and put on a gaming headset.

“You will be playing with other people?”

“It’s more fun to kill other players than NPCs. That means Nonplayable Character.”

When the map loaded in, Eska found herself looking at a near-replica of Republic City. The child’s avatar looked to be a red and black clad woman with an electric glove.

Meelo grinned. “Oh boy. This is pretty lady’s profile.”

“Who?”

Meelo rolled his eyes. “C’mon. There’s only one pretty lady.”

Eska stared. Meelo felt her eyes drilling holes into his brain before realizing what he had said.

“Hokay, two pretty ladies. Um, Asami.”

Eska tilted her head. “Is it so hard to call people by their names?”

“It’s much easier to subjugate your subjects when you don’t have a personal connection to them.”

“Good point,” Eska conceded. “What are you doing now?”

The character was running across the street, pistol in hand.

“Stealing a motorcycle.”

A sleek red and black Satocycle stopped in its tracks, beeping the horn. The Asami replica ran up, saying “Looks like you’re having car trouble. Good thing the police are here,” while pulling the driver off the bike, pistol trained at the NPC’s head.

“Smooth,” Eska deadpanned.

Meelo rolled his eyes in disgust. “Lame. That sounds like something Scarfboy McSharkbrows would say.”

“What is the point of the game? Steal the most vehicles?”

“There’s no POINT to the game. You just do whatever.”

Eska scratched her head. “What if ‘whatever’ is yoga?”

“Then do yoga.”

“...you can do that,” Eska said slowly, almost as if in question.

Meelo nodded as he navigated the city. “You certainly can.”

“Prove it."

“Kay,” Meelo replied, as the character on screen veered sharply to the left. A message appeared on the left-hand side of the screen.

_A bounty of $1000 has been placed on shoryuken504._

Meelo grinned. “But it will have to wait. Justice will be served!”

* * *

_Now._

“Just… let me… play the game!” Meelo shouted, tugging at the controller.

“You use your power irresponsibly young airbender,” Eska monotoned, grasping the controller with both her hands.

Another black Lamborghini roared onto the street, slowing down to an entirely inconvenient stop in the middle of both lanes. The man in the horse-chicken mask had returned. This time, with a rocket launcher.

The sound of an adolescent boy cackling could be heard on the voice chat. “Ready to die, Satobotplusone?” The character did an obscene sort of dance, all the while staring at the emerald-eyed woman.

In response, she ran left. No, now she ran right. Left again. She got down to her knees and began prowling towards a wall, colliding with it.

“Ummm…?”

The Asami clone began spinning in circles, switching weapons with the fury of a road warrior.

“Just… let it go!” Meelo’s voice broadcast into the game.

“Okay, sure. Whatever.” The masked man pointed his rocket launcher at the woman, who was now doing some sort of chicken dance, complete with clucking noises.

The rocket flew with blinding speed and exploded.

_Achievement Unlocked: Rotisserie. Exploded a player doing a chicken taunt._

“Aww, look what you did,” Meelo muttered, defeated. “She’s dead.”

Eska glanced at the screen and saw the destruction and chaos that now burned before her (on the screen). She also saw the horse-chicken man crouching repeatedly over Meelo’s character’s body. She felt a pang of what could only be guilt and possibly revenge well up inside her. WIth unnatural strength, the waterbender yanked the controller from the child.

Eska looked down at the young airbender with pity, then looked up, an unnatural fire in her eyes. "Do not fret, little potato-headed one," she deadpanned while tightening her grip. "You will be avenged."

**“NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”**

“What in the name of Guru Laghima was that?” Meelo blurted out.

“It matters not to me,” Eska said, reading the controls on the screen. “I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.”

“Yeah,” Meelo said, standing up to peek out the doors. “But it sounds like there’s a destroyer of worlds outside.” He glanced at the game, then back at the door. “I’m going to go check it out.”

Eska’s eyes were glued to the television, her fingers deftly controlling the playable character in the middle. “You may do as you wish, little child Meelo,” she murmured. “I will bring justice to your video game.”

“Yeah, sure,” he replied, taking off the headset. “Have fun, lady.”

Eska caught the headset when Meelo threw it, then with a small amount of difficulty got it on underneath her birthday hat.

“I don’t know who you are,” she spoke into the microphone. “I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for an experienced player, I can tell you this is my first time playing the game. But what I do have, are a very particular set of skills. Skills that I have acquired over a long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let me kill you now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Over and over again.”

There was a brief silence. Finally, a voice spoke up in the online chat.

_“Go play with your barbies, GIRL.”_

”Oh I will,” Eska murmured. “And you will be such a pretty air hostess when I’m finished with you.”

_“That doesn’t even make sense.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, you forgot Meelo and Eska went to go play GTA, didn't you? That was my plan all along! Update so infrequently that you forgot! Hahahaha, yeah, that's not gonna work.
> 
> Next chapter will be tentatively titled: Bolin For Soup


	15. Bolin For Soup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”

_“Previously, on A Funny Thing Happened at the Sato House: After a stunning display of culinary mastery by the intrepid and socially awkward Mako (filmed live in front of a studio audience and twitch.tv), the Krew faced off against the fearsome twins-o-monotone, Eska and Desna, an even MORE socially awkward tour-de-force who had destroyed the entrance to Asami and Korra’s new home looking for love and acceptance.”_

“Bolin…”

_“When the ever-brave Meelo relieved the team of having to deal with a sole, awkward Eska, Korra, Asami, Opal, Mako, and the stunningly handsome Bolin journeyed outside for a breath of fresh air! But little did they know-”_

“Bro.”

_“That upon entering the backyard, they would follow their noses and be led to a nefarious plot being hatched by the most UNLIKELY of truants!”_

“Bolin.”

“Bro.”

“Brolin.”

“Josh Brolin.”

“Is going to kick ass as Thanos in Phase 3.”

_“Why it was none other than respected buzzkill Tenzin Insert-Last-Name-Here, his wife Pema Insert-Last-Name-Here and Suyin Beifong, hiding out and… what’s that?! Smoking the reefer?! Oh, the humanity!”_

“BOLIN!”

_“Tenzin said he could explain the circumstances, and here the eight of them stand, under the roof holes of destiny, awaiting the-”_

“BOOOOOOOLIN!”

“Dammit guys, let me finish my recap!” Bolin whined, stamping his feet on the floor of the patio.

“Babe, forgive my bluntless, but who the fuck are you talking to?” Opal questioned, looking around.

Bolin turned to the camera with a wink and a grin. “Why, the audiences watching at home, m’dear.”

“Hoooooooooow the fuck did you know there was a camera there?” Asami pondered drunkenly, staring at the camera she had sworn was hidden by the decorative floral arrangement hanging off the wall. It wasn’t recording aside from a security feed, sure, but Bolin seemed to know exactly where it was.

Bolin shook his head disappointedly. “My dear Satobot,” he gestured theatrically, “you are speaking to an ACTOR. I have a fifth sense when it comes to anything film.”

“Sixth sense,” Mako corrected.

Bolin nodded emphatically. “Love that movie. Bruce Willis’s acting was magnicifent.”

“Magnificent,” Asami corrected.

“Not my favorite Disney villain,” the earthbender countered, “but Malificent is definitely in the Top 5 although it could be argued that-”

“Guys,” Korra interrupted. Face riddled with exasperation. “Can we get back to the pressing issue here?”

“Yeah,” Bolin nodded furiously at Korra, before turning to the bald tattooed monk. “Tenzin, what IS your last name?”

Korra slapped Bolin in the back of the head. “No, idiot. Tenzin. TENZIN. Smoking weed.” She paused. “TENZIN,” she reemphasized, as if the repetition would drive the point home (which it did).

Tenzin coughed, whether it was from the ganja smoke still permeating in the air or out of embarrassment. “I see nothing wrong-”

“With a little bump and griiiiiiind,” Su sang, earning a giggle from Pema.

“With recreational meditation aids,” Tenzin finished, glaring at Su and his wife.

Korra tutted impatiently. “Last I checked, they didn’t call marijuana ‘medicinal meditation’,” the Avatar pantomimed the quotation marks, “oh philosophical Sifu.”

“Well… well they should,” Tenzin replied dumbly, looking down at his feet.

“I should name my next strain M&M,” Suyin said thoughtfully, stroking her chin.

Pema’s eyes opened wide. “Guys,” she said excitedly. “We should get M&Ms. Snacks.”

Korra looked at Asami for support, who very quickly tried to hide her grin with a cough. “You guys are like,” she struggled with her words. “No, you ARE parents! All three of you! How is that responsible?”

There was a sudden hacking cough from behind the counter. Mako stood up, joint in hand. “Man, that shit is POTENT.”

Nearly everyone stood dumbstruck, staring at the detective. The sole exception was Bolin, who had fallen on the floor.

“What the FUCK, Mako?” Asami shrieked. “You’re a goddamned detective!”

Mako exhaled a respectable amount of smoke. “Yeah,” he replied. “And my boss is Lin Beifong. The hardest hardass to ever hard ass.”

“Eww, phrasing,” Opal gagged.

“How else,” he questioned, “am I supposed to relax?”

Opal nodded understandingly. “I know how you feel.”

This time, all heads turned to the tanned airbender.

“What?” she asked sheepishly. “My mom GROWS the shit.”

“You've been smoking my green?!” Su exclaimed, shocked.

Opal rolled her eyes. “Seriously mom? You have acres of the stuff.”

“Wait a minute,” Asami interjected. “Do we ALL smoke here?”

There was silence as everyone looked at each other warily, before turning to Korra. The Avatar blushed slightly, rubbing the back of her neck. “What? I’m the Avatar. I’m supposed to um, chastise you for this, um, stuff.”

Bolin, who was inexplicably still laying on the floor, looked up to his friend. “You do realize you’re like, the spiritual leader of the world, right? You can just SAY it’s okay to toke and it would be.”

Everyone murmured their agreement. Korra looked around tentatively. “Weeeeell…”

* * *

 

“And then he said,” Korra giggled, passing the joint to her girlfriend, “That’s not a spirit portal, that’s my sister!”

The six benders, Pema and Asami, now relocated onto a grassy hill in the backyard, roared with laughter. A very obvious dome of smoke clouded their vision.

“I don’t get it,” Bolin said, teary-eyed. “You just said the last part of the joke only, but it’s still so funny!” He rested his head on Opal’s lap. Opal herself was lying down and looking out at the stars.

“I don’t get it either,” Korra chuckled heartily. “Desna told me that joke like a month ago and I couldn’t stop laughing.”

“Desna?” Tenzin frowned. “That boy doesn’t have a comedic bone in his body.”

“I know right?” Asami gasped, struggling for breath. “I think he decided to STUDY comedy or something.”

The group all mentally pictured Desna (in his impeccable birthday hat, glasses, and clown nose from earlier) intently studying a stand-up comedy routine and burst into laughter again.

“Oh man,” Su said finally, “that’s rich.” She calmed down a bit and glanced at Tenzin (who nodded knowingly), and stared back at the young adults partaking in her herbs. “Well, now that we’re all comfortable and friendly, I have a favor to ask. You know, since I supplied our medicinal meditation.”

“Not to mention I told the story of my harrowing encounter with the elephant-koi,” Tenzin added.

“On a dank dessert Aiwei,” Mako started crooning, earning a flush of the face from Tenzin and a cackle from everyone else.

Korra snorted. “Okay, seems fair. What’s up?”

The elders of the group glanced at each other again and nodded.

“What, pray tell, was the Noodle Incident?” Pema asked.

It was now the younger group’s turn to look at each other. They did not seem pleased with this line of questioning. It was Asami who eventually answered with “We’ll pass.”

Suyin grabbed the joint from Bolin, who vocalized his disappointment. “Well we WON’T pass if you don’t spill the beans.” She took a long drag from the joint.

The Krew looked visibly shaken, and after a minute, Korra nodded glumly.

“Weeeeeeell,” Asami started. “There is no Noodle Incident.”

“WHAT?!”

“Yeah,” Opal confirmed. “We kinda just, you know…”

“Made it up,” Mako finished.

“Fabricated the story,” Bolin contributed.

“Pulled a quick one,” Asami added.

“Um, hoodwinked the world?” Korra tried.

Su and Pema made eye contact with each other, incredulous. “But it sounded so BELIEVABLE,” Su said. “How? I mean, why? I mean, what?”

“All of the questions,” Tenzin clarified.

* * *

The Krew were hanging out in a children’s playground, eating ice cream cones.

Korra and Asami were sharing a tire swing. Korra giggled as Asami took a finger of ice cream and smeared it across Korra’s nose. Mako was sitting at the top of the slide, playing Angry Birds on his phone. Opal and Bolin were sitting on the top of the jungle gym, hands intertwined and staring out into the sunset.

Suddenly, Mako looked up from his phone, which had just informed him of yet another ill-fated attempt to beat his high score. He took a lick of his unattended cup of cookies and cream (because cones get mushy, he insisted) and spoke.

“Guys, are we boring?”

The two couples looked up. “Boring?” Bolin asked. “Us?” He laughed loudly. “No way. We’re not boring. Definitely not boring.” He looked to Opal. “Are we boring?”

Opal sat in silence for a while, then jerked her head towards her boyfriend. “What?” she asked. “Sorry, wasn’t paying attention. Thinking about what we need to restock in the fridge before we go back home.”

“It’s 7PM,” Bolin responded. “We can think about groceries later!”

“But I was thinking of getting some curry powder and meat for the slow-cooker.” Opal countered.

Bolin squealed. “Oooooh,” he appreciatively sighed. “I saw this recipe on Reddit the other day that we should-”

Korra groaned, and faceplanted into Asami’s shoulder. “We’re boring,” she whined.

“+1.” Asami licked her cone of orange sherbert after her succinct response.

“I mean, why?” Mako asked, standing up from his perch. “You’re the Avatar. You’re the CEO of a Fortune 20 company. You’re a mover star. You’re an airbending daughter of Zaofu, the freakin’ city of metal! And I’m a detective.” He paced across the platform leading to the slide. “We’re literally the most interesting group of friends in the world.”

Asami sighed. “And here we are, eating ice cream in a playground.”

The group all sighed collectively.

“If Tom Cruise saw me now, he’d be so disappointed,” Bolin muttered.

Korra’s head rose from Asami’s shoulder. “You know Tom Cruise?!”

The earthbender laughed. “Of course not,” he said. “But if I did, he’d be so disappointed.”

“I know!” Opal exclaimed, standing up. “We’ll make something up!”

Mako furrowed his brow. “We’re not doing D&D again until Wednesday.”

“UGH, WE’RE SO BORING.” Korra placed her face back onto Asami’s shoulder.

“No, stupid,” Opal chided. “Like, an incredibly ridiculous story that we can reference when we’re around other people.”

“So we sound like we do all this wild and crazy stuff in our free time,” Bolin murmured. “You know, that just might work.”

“But what would it be about?” Korra asked. Bolin’s eyes lit up in response.

“I know!” he shouted. “We’ll say we started a band. It’ll be called,” he raised his hand and moved it from left to right with a look of wonder, “Bolin For Soup.”

The rest of the group groaned. Opal slapped him in the back of the head. "That wasn't funny three years ago, and it's not funny now."

Korra looked at her girlfriend. “Any ideas, ‘Sami?”

Mako sighed. “You can’t just ask an inventor for ideas and immediately-”

“Actually, I think I have something,” Asami interrupted. She got up from the tire swing, and walked towards the middle of the playground. Everyone else stood up and followed, forming a conspiratory circle.

“For a lot of my keynotes at Future-Con,” the CEO started, “I would give out a solitary title. Something random, like the Future Industries Carry-On.”

Opal nodded. “I remember that one. It was a piece of luggage that-”

“What it eventually became isn’t the point,” Asami said. “The point is we had no idea what it was going to be until, well,” she shrugged sheepishly. “Everyone else started speculating.”

Bolin nodded. “Right,” he murmured. His head tilted to one side. “I don’t get it.”

Mako rolled his eyes. “I do. You give a name to something and people will just wonder what it is.”

Korra had latched onto the idea as well. “Yeah,” she replied. “But in this case, we don’t tell people what IT is. We just constantly reference it until it becomes this fabled story.”

Asami winked at her girlfriend. “Exactly. So say the next time we hang out with other people, we mention oh, The Noodle Incident. Everyone just kinda flirts with how ridiculous the event was, and leave everyone else to make up their own headcanon.”

She looked around at everyone. Finally, Bolin commented, “I like it!”

Everyone else nodded. “So we’re in agreement,” said Korra, putting her hand in the middle of the circle. The rest of the Krew joined their hands in the middle as well. “The Noodle Incident is a go!”

* * *

 

Bolin’s phone rang, interrupting the story. “Sorry guys,” he said, sheepishly pulling out his cell. “It’s Varrick. I gotta take this.” He drunkenly got up from his sitting position, and walked out of the cloud. “Varrick, hey. Hey Varrick. Vaaaaarrick, wassuuuuup?”

Tenzin watched the young man leave the cloud, then turned back. “And that’s it? You just made up a nonexistent story to sound cool?”

“That’s pretty decidedly uncool,” Su agreed.

Korra blushed a shade of red that would’ve fit in Asami’s wardrobe. “It gets worse.”

* * *

 

The Krew threw their hands up in the air with a cheer.

“Glad we got that settled,” Bolin said.

“Tell me about it,” Mako sighed.

The group lowered their hands, then stood in silence in the makeshift circle.

“Well, what now?” Opal asked, breaking the reverie.

Korra poked at her girlfriend and grinned. “THE FLOOR IS LAVA!”

Everyone screamed in mock terror and started running towards any of the structures in the playground.

* * *

 

“Really.” Pema deadpanned. “The floor is lava.”

Korra nodded. “The floor is lava.”

“The floor is lava?!” Bolin exclaimed, reentering the smoke dome with the motions of the beginnings of an earthbending form. “I CAN DO THAT!” The ground began to shake and rumble, heat suddenly emitting from the ground.

**“NO BOLIN, WE DIDN’T MEAN- BOLIN NO!”**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Two chapters in one day? What the hell, Minus. What the hell.
> 
> Well audience, as I explained in my non-chapter update, I've been working on all these chapters concurrently, since most of them occur during the same frame of time. And since I've been so bad about updating frequently, I thought it only right to post this immediately.
> 
> And thus ends the "Bolin is a Dork" arc. That's not the actual name of the arc. I don't know what to call this arc. If you come up with a good name, I will steal it and claim it as my own. With credit, of course.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed and I look forward to bringing you the next chapter of the unrealistically eventful housewarming party!


	16. The Floor is Raava

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What the hell happened here?

The backyard was steaming. Where once there was finely cut grass, there was now cooling molten rock. Several members of the Republic City Police Force were present, doing various tasks as instructed by the chief. A couple were cordoning off the area. One was taking pictures of the scene that lay before them, flashes of light illuminating broken pillars of rock and dirt, jutting out next to craters nearly three feet in depth. There were several officers with notepads and audio recorders, staring dumbfounded at various partygoers as they gave their statements.

The RCPD Police Chief was inside sitting on the chair once occupied by Eska, staring across at the group currently sitting on the couch. Lin moved her palm to her forehead for what must’ve been the fifteenth time today. “I leave you guys for an hour,” she started, hand unmoving from her head, “and THIS happens?!”

Korra chucked nervously. “Um… it was Bolin’s fault.”

The earthbender glanced around at the sound of his name. “Whuzza?” he slurred. “Oh, right, yeah! T-t-totally Sozin’s fault!” He leaned in towards Chief Beifong. “You should like, arrest him,” he whispered conspiratorially.

“I’ll take ‘Who is obviously plastered for 500’, Trebek,” Asami muttered.

“AND IT’S THE DAILY DOUBLE!” Bolin shouted rising from the couch.

“Sit your ass down,” Lin growled, causing the manchild to lower back into his sitting position. “Asami. You’re easily the most reasonable person here. What the hell happened?”

“Well,” the CEO started. “It all started with a game of The Floor is Lava.”

“The Floor is Lava?” Lin echoed, as she turned on the audio recorder on the table. “You’re kidding me.”

Asami’s cheeks reddened. “No, I’m 100% serious.”

“You’re all fucking dorks.”

* * *

Bolin had mistakenly heard us discussing the game in question and decided we meant to play with actual lava. With some quick moves, the floor began to dissolve into molten magma. Luckily, Korra -

_“Love you babe.”_

Shut up Korra, I’m trying to tell Lin what happened.

_“Sorry.”_

Anyways, Korra had the quick wits to launch the area we were sitting upwards as a pillar of earth, saving us from certain doom.

The ground beneath us was not exactly stable though, as the huge pillar began splitting up in the lava, separating us. At this point, we decided to roll with it and actually play, dangers be damned. I think we were all confident in our abilities to survive the game.

In hindsight, it was not a good idea.

_“No shit.”_

We know that now Chief, and I’m sorry.

_“Continue.”_

Bolin, Su and Korra, being the only actual earthbenders, dominated from the get-go. They moved their respective pillars around the arena at a frightening pace, and the rest of us were immediately on the defensive. Tenzin, Pema and I quickly struck an alliance, as he was a pacifist and Pema and I, well, obviously we can’t bend anything worth a damn.

Opal had taken to supporting her boyfriend, playing defense against the boulders and other elements Korra and Su were flinging his way. That’s where things took a turn for the worse, I guess.

A stray deflection came our way. In a selfless act of heroism, I jumped in front of Tenzin, taking the blow to my chest. It was enough to knock me off the pillar.

I thought about a lot in that split second. About the love of my life, fighting the good fight. I think it was her boulder, and her eyes were wide with shock at what she could have done. I didn’t blame her, but I had to think fast if I were to not be eliminated.

_“To not die.”_

Yeah. Sure. Anyways, I decided that the key, as it had always been, was my stunning good looks.

_“What.”_

And so I did a Sato Hair Flip™-

_“WHAT.”_

And, miraculously, my hair began to extend, as if controlled by my superior mental acuity. It extended outwards and grasped the pillar behind me. The makeshift rope changed my momentum, swinging me back towards the top of the pillar to safety.

With my newfound abilities of hair control, I quickly took to the offensive. I think everyone was blindsided by this development, because in 5 minutes flat, I had taken everyone out. Luckily, my hair seems to have fire-resistant capabilities as well, and I was able to also save my friends from certain doom.

As the game ended, a miraculous thing occurred. Korra’s eyes glowed white, and suddenly there was a large spiritual being looking down on us. It was Raava, the Avatar Spirit. She informed me that my easy disposal of these elite benders had earned me the right to bend. And not just bend, I was to become the next Avata-

_“Okay, that’s enough.”_

* * *

Lin turned the recorder off. “You’re seriously telling me that you can control your hair to attack and defend yourself.”

Asami nodded.

“And that you’re now the Avatar.”

“+1,” the woman on the couch confirmed.

“Riiiiiiight,” Lin said as she rolled her eyes. “Clearly you are just as inebriated as Bolin here.” The Chief muttered something under her breath. “Desna, could you shed some light on what happened?”

"I can see all the wrong in the world," Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. "And I can fix it."

“I don’t even, what?” Lin sighed. “Where did you even find that water?”

"I can see all the wrong in the world," Desna murmured. He rose from his sitting position, spiral streams of water flowing around him. "And I can-”

“Sit back down you idiot,” the Chief barked. She turned her head to someone hopefully more sane. “Tenzin.”

“Yes Lin?” the airbender replied, suddenly snapping to some sort of attention.

“What happened?”

* * *

It’s much like Asami started the story. The floor was indeed lava, and everyone was battling it out. While protecting my wife and Asami from the violent tendencies of the other benders, I realized how futile this struggle was. And so I decided to end it.

_“You’re kidding me.”_

No I am not, Lin. I came to understand what Guru Laghima had been preaching years ago. I unlocked the secret of flight.

As I flew up towards the battle, I yelled for everyone to cease. Surprisingly, they did. Maybe it was the alcohol, but it seems that everyone had become more receptive to my teachings. I suggested that instead of this archaic game, we should all calm down and meditate on our mistakes.

_“Oh God.”_

Religion had nothing to do with it. But as we meditated, a voice could be heard in our minds. It was, as I was later informed, Raava. She commended me on my spiritual calm and said that I was worthy to become the next ava-

_“Oh for fuck’s sake.”_

* * *

The metalbender turned the audio recorder off again. “Are you fucking high, Ten?”

Tenzin coughed. “What I told you is the absolute truth,” he replied weakly.

Lin sighed again, her shoulders slumped in defeat. She looked back up to her sister. “Do I even WANT to ask you?”

Su’s eyes sparkled. “I’m the Avatar,” she responded.

“Right.”

“Can I go home now?” Tahno asked.

“No,” everyone responded simultaneously.

“You are all the worst people ever. Of all time.”

Lin could feel the individual strands of her hair going gray with stress. “You, the drunken one.”

“Whuzza?” Bolin replied.

The metalbender turned the audio recorder back on. “You know the drill. What happened?”

* * *

Nuktuk, Hero of the South had just finished his communique with his faithful ally Iknik Blackstone Varrick and began his journey back to his dear companions, who had decided to engage in a friendly game of The Floor is Lava. Our strapping young hero was only happy to oblige and created a vast arena of lava and peril!

_“I’ve made a huge mistake.”_

And so our intrepid young benders and Tenzin-

_“Hey!”_

Began a battle that would be told of for centuries! The history books would tell of the Greatest High-Five to ever High-Five-

_“What?”_

_“It happened earlier in the night. Me and Asami high-fived.”_

_“You’re idiots. You’re all idiots.”_

_“It was pretty epic, Lin. You had to be there.”_

_“Shut your trap, Su.”_

And the Nuktuk’s Battle of Lava!

The first to be eliminated was, sadly, Nuktuk’s brother, Sharkbrows. He had been knocked off his bastion of earth to most certain doom and would have most certainly perished! But alas, his brother was Nuktuk, Hero of the South! He quickly turned the lava underneath his flailing, socially awkward brother into mud, saving the scarf-wearing man from an untimely death.

The next to fall victim to our handsome, debonair protagonist was Opal! While gorgeous and capable of holding her own, she felt her airbending slipping from her and fell into the abyss. Luckily, Nuktuk formed a metal suit around his person-

_“So you’re a metalbender now.”_

Anything is possible when you are Nuktuk, fellow practitioner of the law.

_“I’m turning off the recorder now. Korra, tell me-”_

AND SO, Nuktuk dove to save the love of his life. He grabbed her by the waist, and turned his back to the ground, colliding with the lava. Luckily the metal was able to hold the heat at bay, as Nuktuk’s main squeeze looked at him with adoring eyes. You saved me, she said dreamily. Of course, Nuktuk replied, pulling off his metal faceplate. You’re my forever girl. And so they kissed.

_“I think I’m going to puke.”_

The Avatar, strong though she may be in all the elements, was moved by the display of selflessness and power from Nuktuk. Alas, she cried, I will never be as strong or handsome as you! And with acceptance on her face, Korra dove into the lava, sacrificing herself to the game and the master of Earth, Nuktuk!

_“You’re telling me Korra died.”_

We all briefly mourned the loss of the spiritual bridge between worlds.

_“She’s sitting right next to you.”_

_“...I got better.”_

With the most recent Avatar deceased, we were all surprised to see the ever-wise spirit Raava-

_“WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH-”_

-who intoned in a toney voice that while she would normally go find a newborn Earthbender to claim as the next Avatar, our hero’s pure heart and 10/10 smile had convinced her to make Nuktuk the next in line to bend all four elements!

* * *

“Are you ALL high?” Lin blurted. Suddenly there was a flurry of coughs.

“I assure you we are all ground level,” Su responds.

Lin sighed again, her shoulders slumped in defeat. She looked back up to Korra. “Do I even WANT to ask you?”

The Water Tribe woman’s eyes sparkled. “I’m the Avatar,” she responded.

“Right. Varrick, you haven’t been here that long I imagine,” Lin reasoned. “Mind shedding some light on this?”

The entrepreneur shook his head vigorously. “I’m contractually obligated to not divulge details of this story to anyone who thought the dress was white and gold.”

At that moment, the door to the backyard opened. A timid-looking woman, clearly out of her depth, walked in with Mako and Meelo in tow. Lin acknowledged the woman with a nod.

“Seika, finished with the statements from those two?” she asked.

Seika nodded, her cheeks tinted pink. “Yes,” she replied. “But I’m confused. They both mentioned someone named um, Raava? Do you know who that-”

“Okay, fuck this shit,” Lin interrupted. “Nobody is hurt and you’ve made it abundantly clear that you’re not gonna tell me the truth. I’m done with all of you. Keep it fucking down, or I WILL come back and arrest you.”

“But you haven’t interviewed all of us-” Huan started.

Lin waved him off. “I’m never going to find out what happened. Why bother?”

Mako’s intense brows browed intensely. “You haven’t even heard my side of the story, Chief.

Lin stood up and walked towards the front door, or what was left of it. “Shut up, dafireferret69,” she said without looking back.

Asami snorted.

“Haha, snort.” Korra responded with a giggle.

* * *

**Earlier.**

“Bolin, why the fuck would you do that?” Asami screamed from atop the pillar.

“Because the floor is lava!” Bolin responded, waving his arms wildly.

Mako sighed, still sitting on the elevated platform. “You could have killed us, bro.”

Bolin paled. “Oh yeah, hehe, guess I never thought about that.” With a quick movement, the ground cooled to igneous rock.

“Wait!” Korra gasped. Everyone turned to her. “Do you realize what this is?!”

Tenzin, his arms still tightly grasping his wife, turned to the Avatar. “A very, very, VERY bad idea?”

Korra shook her head. “No. This is an opportunity. A REAL Noodle Incident.”

Asami’s face lit up as she took in the revelation. “We could be not boring.”

“You aren’t seriously considering this,” Pema said in disbelief.

Opal pondered for a moment. “I think we are.”

_“No.”_

Mako looked around, bewildered. “Wait, who said that?”

_“NO.”_

Korra’s eyes glowed, and a phantom presence emerged from her chest. It was a bright white spirit with intricate sky blue markings all over it. It grew to a tremendous size and floated above all the partygoers.

“RAAVA?!” Korra’s eyes widened in disbelief. “What are you doing?”

_“I’m keeping you all from making the stupidest mistake of your life. Korra, you should know better than this.”_

“But…” Korra struggled. “But The Floor is Lava.”

_“I have seen many generations of Avatar come and go. And I usually take a stance of letting you do what you feel is right. But what you have just said is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard. Nowhere in your rambling, incoherent-”_

Su bent over and let out a guffaw. “Is the most powerful spirit of all time quoting Billy Madison?”

Despite having no eyes or face, Raava looked noticeably embarrassed at the display. _“You humans can just be so, HUMAN at times.”_

Bolin was looking down glumly. “So no The Floor is Lava?”

_“No. No The Floor is Lava.”_

“Yes ma’am,” Bolin sighed. “Wait, are you a girl?”

_“I’m a spirit.”_

“But are you-”

“Can we at least make something up?!” Korra interrupted, her face bright. “Say it happened but it didn’t? C’mon Raava. Please?”

The spirit seemed to bend over into a slump.

_“I’m spiritually bonded to an idiot.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... holy shit! 200+ kudos! I never thought this silly thing would get that much attention, but I'm super grateful to everyone who has supported this fic!
> 
> Another thing: As I'm slowly knocking out the actual planned portions of this story, I'm faced with a conundrum. Do I leave the non-chapter update on the story? We've got 4 of those excerpts left to explore and I'm not sure if I should remove the previews or not. What do you all think?
> 
> And feel free to comment anything else you feel about how things are going, how things could be improved, et cetera. I love hearing from everyone who follows this ridiculous thing through the infrequent (my fault) updates. Here's to the next chapter, which I don't have a name for.
> 
> But it'll most definitely probably involve a pun of some sort.


	17. You OK, Cupid?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I forget how these work. INSERT CLEVER THING HERE.

"God, I thought they'd never leave," Wu said as he rummaged through the kitchen.

Tahno and Varrick were sitting on the kitchen island, bottles of beer in hand. It had taken a while, but they had found the thing. Zhu-Li was currently enamored with the koi fish pond they had passed earlier.

"Who, the cops?" Varrick questioned after a swig of his beer. "They were here for like, _an hour_ tops."

"More like two months!" Tahno snorted. Korra sneezed in the living room for some reason.

Wu shot up, a bottle of tequila in hand. "There it is!" he exclaimed, popping open the glass container with little effort. "And Tahno's right. Literally the entire time we were here was tainted by POLICE. This is not a Wu Party way to start." He began to chug straight from the tequila bottle.

Zhu-Li had returned, eyes narrowed at the sight of the three men with their respective liquors. "Dear, are you sure THAT," she pointed at Wu's admittedly impressive ingesting of alcohol, "is a good idea?"

Varrick gave a casual shrug. "It's a party and the cops JUST left. I doubt they'll come back."

Wu lowered his hand from his lips and nodded in agreement. "What Vrick said," the Prince replied, a dopey grin on his face. "Besides, I can handle my liquor. I'm a total lightweight."

Tahno and Zhu-Li shared a look. "You use that word," he said slowly. "I don't think it means what you think it means."

"Inconceivable... -hic!"

Zhu-Li sighed, and looked at her husband. "Great. Now we're babysitters."

The mogul laughed. "No silly, that's the best part! He already has a..." he snapped his fingers impatiently. "A thing!"

Tahno struggled a bit. "A bodyguard?" he tried, before taking a sip of his beer.

Varrick made a noise, and slapped Tahno in the back, causing the man to choke on his drink. "That's the word! The Mako thing!"

"YEAH! MAKO!" Wu exclaimed from the floor. Suddenly his brow furrowed. "Speaking of which..." he muttered as he pulled out his phone. "There's something I have to do."

* * *

 "Oh good sweet baby Jesus, that was great!" Mako wheezed, clutching his gut with one hand, the other supporting his weight on the wall.

"The look... on her face..." Su joined in, guffawing quite loudly.

"We're never going to hear the end of it," Opal sighed. Still, she had a grin plastered on her face as well.

Tenzin's face was dour. But it did not reach his eyes. "It was priceless indeed," he intoned in his Morgan Freeman voice. "Unfortunately, I think it's time we get going. I don't know how much longer we can-"

Hey Mako," Asami interrupted. She was looking down at a device in her hand with a stare of disbelief. "You've um... got a match on OKCupid."

The firebender stopped wheezing and looked up shocked. "I do? Do I?!" the firebender replied incredulously. Then he paled. "Wait, how did you get my phone? Again?!"

Korra snuck a peek at Mako's phone in Asami's hand. "Holy shit, she's right."

"I don't believe it," Bolin drawled. Opal and Su nodded their agreement.

"Truly the sun has frozen over and the dead have risen," muttered Desna.

"That's the most poetic and true verse I have ever heard," Huan commented from his place on the floor, staring at the blank TV unblinkingly. "Also the first time you've said something other than that 'all the wrong in the world' bullshit since becoming inspired."

Mako was standing up straight now, tense and irritated. "Okay, let's just skip over the part where everyone is SO surprised someone would be interested in me and give me my fucking phone?!" He reached for the phone in Asami's hand, which quickly moved out of reach.

"Nuh-uh, _dafireferret69_ , this is deserving of an oratory performance," the CEO countered. She glanced around. "Where's Ikki?"

Everyone turned to Tenzin and Pema. "Why're you looking at us?" Pema inquired, cocking her head to the side.

Su was shocked. "YOU'RE HER PARENTS!"

"Says the one who just smoked out with her daughter," Bolin pointed out. Huan turned to his mother in surprise.

"First off, Ikki's upstairs. Second off, you're all inspired as well?"

* * *

 The airbending girl looked up from her game of Minecraft and saw nobody but Eska, mindlessly playing Grand Theft Auto. Ikki paused her game and skipped over in that direction. "Whatcha doin'?" she asked.

"Shush child," the waterbender murmured, unturning away from the television. Explosions and cars filled the screen "Mama needs a new pair of horse-chicken leather boots."

Ikki huffed. "Fine then," she responded. The girl left the game room and started exploring the rest of the house.

After five minutes, she sighed with annoyance. “Ugh, everyone’s doing something fun without me!” Ikki whined to nobody in particular. Silence answered her. “Fine. I’ll find something fun to do BY MYSELF!”

* * *

 "Forget it," Bolin said after a while. "I'll read it for our adoring audiences." He turned to the camera with a wink. "They're deserving of a performance."

"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP FINDING THOSE?" Asami screeched. Whoever was responsible for that portion of the design process was getting fired in the morning. Then rehired. Then fired again. Then for good measure, fired a third time even though they hadn't been rehired.

"No matter, dear Ms. Sato," Bolin replied, chest puffed up in typical Nuktuk fashion. He swiped the phone with impossibly fast hands. He took a look at the screen and turned to the camera. The lavabender cleared his throat.

"A message for _dafireferret69_ ," he started, his voice full of bravado.

 _Just wanted to say hi._  
_I know you in real life, but could never say this in person._  
_Needed to let you know that I have the hugest crush on you._  
_One day maybe we could go out sometime (outside of work I mean)._  
_Really would be nice to get to know you without all the pretenses._  
_Anyways, have a good day, my number is-_

"Oh my God," Mako groaned, hands moving to cover his face. "It's Wu, isn't it?"

Opal snorted.

"+1," Asami replied.  
"+2," agreed Korra.  
"+3," Tenzin said.  
"+4? I don't know what's going on," Su joined in.  
"=10," Desna murmured.

"It's um, actually not," Bolin said as he scrolled up. "Looks like a user by the name of _OPradio_?"

Asami jerked her head at the username. "Did you say _OPradio_?" she grabbed the phone. "Holy shit. It's the girl from the stream. She works at RCPD."

The firebender paced. "It's a GIRL? Who works the radio?" Mako turned back to the rest of the group, confused. "The only girl that works radio at the station is Seika."

"Seika?" Korra repeated. The name was familiar. "Wait! You mean the one who was questioning you earlier? Is that why she was blushing?"

"Duuuuuuuuude," Bolin exclaimed. "The girl at work has the hots for you and sent you a message on OKC!"

"I really don't think she did," muttered Asami.

Pema looked back and forth. "So is it or isn't it?"

"Stop this rollercoaster and tell us who it is!" Tenzin said in exasperation.

"What do you mean, she didn't send it, babe?" Korra questioned. ""You recognized her username first."

Asami nodded. "Yeah, but look at this message again."

Everyone simultaneous got up and crowded around the phone. A minute passed by.

"Ooooooooooh..." Opal said. "WOW."  
Asami stared in disbelief. "I know. Holy shit."  
Huan's eyes lit up. "Clever. Clever indeed."  
The Avatar squinted. "I don't get it."  
Mako nodded in agreement. "Yeah, looks on the level."

Su groaned. "Look at the message again."

 _Just wanted to say hi._  
_I know you in real life, but could never say this in person._  
_Needed to let you know that I have the hugest crush on you._  
_One day maybe we could go out sometime (outside of work I mean)._  
_Really would be nice to get to know you without all the pretenses._  
_Anyways, have a good day, my number is..._

"Now," she said. "Read the first letter of each line."

The group did as they were told.

Mako deflated. "Son of a..."

* * *

 "Jinora, if I had a petty pranks division, you would be department head," Varrick said in astonishment.

Tahno, Varrick and Zhu-Li had found Jinora and Kai laughing behind the bar immediately after Wu failed at his phone task. Now they were watching the stream of the living room on Jinora's tablet and drinking. Bolin was staring straight through the screen, narrating the message from OKCupid.

"Iknik, we already have a petty pranks division." Zhu-Li reminded her husband, sipping on a Tequila Sunshine.

"Kid, you're hired! How do you feel about salary?"

"Wait," Wu started. "So Mako is _straight_?" There was a tinge of disappointment. He took another swig of tequila.

" _OPradio_ is a real person?" Tahno asked.

Jinora nodded. "Yeah, and she totally has a crush on Mako. But she's too shy to say anything about it. Sooooo I may have created an account to push things forward." She winked. "While having a little fun in the process."

"You're a devious bastard," Varrick replied. "Have you ever considered a career in the corporate world?"

**"JINORA! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!"**

"Aaaaand that's our cue to leave," Kai snickered. He grabbed his girlfriend's hand and pulled her to her feet. "You never saw us." They left in a flurry of wind through one of the (several) back doors to the backyard.

Half a minute later, Mako sprinted into the kitchen. With a few heavy breaths, he looked at the four upstanding adults. "Did you see...?"

Varrick pointed towards the door immediately. "Jinora went that way," he explained quickly. Mako nodded and ran out.

**"YOU LITTLE SHIT, GET BACK HERE!"**

Zhu-Li and Tahno turned to Varrick and stared in anger and confusion, respectively.

Varrick shrugged again. "What? Do you know how much department heads MAKE? I'm not shelling out that kinda cash on a KID. But I can't just FIRE her to save money."

His wife's eyes narrowed. "1. Yes you can. And 2. You haven't even officially hired her yet."

Iknik opened his mouth to counter, then closed it. "Huh. Yeah, you're right. Probably should've thought that one through." He stared out into space for a little bit, then shook out of his trance. "Oh well. Who's down for more drinks?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I have no excuse. Please accept this chapter as an apology.


End file.
